only slaves to death can survive this place

This is actually the only Cannibal Corpse album I like.

Half day at work. Easy enough. We have one, maybe two, days off next week for some construction being done on the shop. None of my friends are free, though, so I have to plan a solo adventure.

Ryan got an interview for that job in DC. I'm...sad. Both because I'll be losing a dear friend and because I don't think this is the best choice for him.

Fei continued to send me emails throughout her trip last night. I was reading them over again today and they're really beautiful. One of my absolute favorite things is seeing someone have their first psychedelic experience. Seeing someone in chaos and watching them learn the meaning of life - love? It's exquisite. Nothing compares.

Something she said to me Tuesday night really helped me. "The only way out is through." We talked about Buddhism a lot - Fei used to be very devout - and how all this suffering has a purpose. We're here to learn, and a lesson will be repeated until it is learned. Even if you avoid a lesson in this incarnation, you will be presented with it again.

This was important to me because...well, I had a plan, you see. A plan I considered very rational. I had a set of criteria - making more than $30k/yr, having a better living situation, not being single, being closer to having my son, etc. - and if none of these were met by my birthday this year, I'd decided it was unlikely they'd ever be, so I was gonna check out, if you get my meaning. And not half-ass it this time, not liquor and pills, but the reliable cranial ventilation port. That's why I was thinking about that hardballler a few months ago, why I've been fixing up that luger.

But even though now, for the first time in my life, I believe in the persistence of conscious experience after death, this wouldn't solve anything. This sufferings for a reason. The lesson will be repeated until it is learned. The only way out is through.