How would I go about killing myself?

I'm gonna delete this one pretty quickly because it's gonna have 100% personal truth in it and I have never put it in words before. I am almost 40, a mom, a pet owner, a serial hobbyist, a book reader. I take care of dying people for a living. I cook for people and I nurture everything I can, every chance I can. I am not afraid to die. I think life is pointless and many people are fucking worthless, if not flat out detrimental to society. I don't know if I know what love actually is and I don't care. If there is an afterlife I think it is universal, not based on good person/bad person bullshit. Frankly, I am a shit person who lives lime a semi-decent one. Happiness is a lie. The more aware you are of the bleakness of existence, the more obvious it is that the whole seek happiness thing is crap.

So what keeps me going? Well, I know I'm gonna die eventually no matter what and I don't want to do it to myself. Do I want to live? Idgaf. Seriously. But I don't consider it to be in my hands. I hate the way I feel when I think about time, consciousness, existence, life and how people try to frame it out to make sense, and the whole identical, inevitable end we all face. So what do I do? I stay busy. I try to make others feel better. I make shit that might last longer than I do because I enjoy the process more than the outcome. You're really pissed about something. I don't know if you have some expectation that crumbled or what. Maybe just go take a walk in the woods, go sit and lean against a tree and stay there. Stay there until you either die or you get up and walk away and go do something. We are all stuck on a stupid floating rock with a bunch of asshole co-passengers. All of us, and we all know it. We just do stuff to kill the time till we find out how the show ends. So here is your test. Get up. Go find a secluded spot. Park your miserable ass down. Wait to die. If you really want to die you will end up a memorial to our miserable race like a twisted version of those sitting Buddhist monk mummies. If you get up though - go live because if you get up you get up as a self aware and enlightened motherfucker. There is more than one way to set your soul free.

/r/Advice Thread