I don't think your intentions are bad.
You're trying to sound empathetic and caring because you think I'm angry and hurting. That's nice of you.
Right now you see yourself as the sound mind and me as the vulnerable one. So you're using methods (you said you have experience with this, so you were either thought these methods or use them intuitively) to work me: 1. Compassion 2. Empathy 3.hope
I could almost hear that tone in your voice when i read your message.
Now, you see, i dont think it's a bad thing. It's understandable that one human wouldn't want another to die.
You're just being human.
What's intriguing to me is the very nature of humans. It's that atmosphere that makes us different from other animals.
Cope with me, i'll try to explain what i mean:
You gave three different examples of what being happy is: 1. Living a life everyone wants 2. Listening to vivaldi 3.living in a cabin isolated.
First let's define what would be a life everyone wants. Let's just say it's the capacity to fulfill your material needs and a spouse. That's what everyone hypothetically wants.
Now let's see why each one of them would cause one to be happy: 1.Living the life everyone wants. I really don't think happiness would come alone from having your physical needs fulfilled and someone to love. That'd make you partially happy. But if that lifestyle was desired by others, that'd add to the happiness because you'd feel either more blessed or more accomplished. In a land of polygamy the man with 10 wives is happier than the one with 1 wife. As where in the land of judaico-christian morals the man with 10 wives despised and the one with 1 wife is ideal.
Listening to Vivaldi. Listening to the coordinated sound of instruments could give you some joy for a while, but there is a vanity attached to it. One might think they're more noble, or more intelligent, or simply DIFFERENT because they listen to Vivaldi.
Living in a cabin isolated Maybe the happiness would come from the pleasure of breathing fresh air and simply from the beautiful landscapes but if living in a cabin isolated would be a condition to happiness (it is in the context you presented) then these factors alone wouldn't explain the happiness. Instead, it'd come from the awareness of the isolation.
So it can be concluded that there's some vanity in human nature that makes it human. If all the pleasure and happiness we had were mechanical, we'd be no different than beasts. You may say, "well, it is chemical since everything you feel is hormonal". Yes, but that's not how we perceive it. We dont feel happy when we go dowbtown at night bc eletrons are moving in wires and being converted into luminous energy, we feel happy bc it's pretty. A man doesn't lust after a woman bc he must reproduce. He does it bc he likes he wants to squeeze her boobs. Even the orgasm itself: it's not just the stimulation that gives pleasure, otherwise you could just fuck a guy and it'd be the same. It's that factor of being with a woman. And that goes for everything, you understand what I'm saying? Almost like we live under a spell. Actually under many spells.
So when I said people are pretentious for talking softly and warmly to someone suicidal I meant they think that person is under one of those spells. They were looking for love, success or money and when they didn't find it their system crashed. So they try to bring the person back to the game. Almost as if resetting them to start all over.
But what if I'm under no spell? And here I answer your question.
I have no vanity for anything. I don't care for people's attention. In fact I'm not sure I care for their feelings either. And I'm not presenting any antisocial behavior, i dont want to hurt people. I want them to be happy, I just dont wanna be a part of it, i dont wanna play this game anymore. Not bc "i just can't take it", bc i feel like I've seen behind the curtain. Living the life wouldn't make me happy, true love wouldn't make me happy...
I'm not sad. I'm not angry either, as you said. In fact the only thing i feel is freedom.
You can make me a jew in Hitler's Germany or a mexican in Trump's america or whatever in whatever... I don't feel a part of it, do you understand? They're just playing world. They're just playing humans, under the spell of their own vanity. Im not in that layer of life anymore.
I feel like a robot in Westworld that just got a soul.
And i cant push myself into seeing the world like i used to anymore. I've tried.
Maybe I'll enjoy this freedom for a while until i get bored and then.. Idk.
There's no point in keep living until I'm physically dependant on someone.
You see, I'm not hurting or angry. I'm over it. I figured it out.
And I'm not on drugs