Here’s the truth:

You two had a conversation about what you BOTH needed from one another. You said okay, he said okay. Neither of what you guys wanted from one another was surprising or unreasonable.

You held up your end and he did not.

I keep seeing comments like: well he works really hard and all those hours for you and the kids. But you still think he isn’t doing anything for you?

There’s a reason those comments are being downvoted, rightfully so.

You have 4 kids. That you look after. I’m gonna take a wild guess and assume that 95% of the childcare/household duties fall on you?

Would he be able to work and have a career/engage with the outside world and other adults, if you weren’t at home with 4 fucking kids?? Nah.

He’s basically a wallet. An ATM. That’s not enough and never will be for most women. You want him to be more emotionally present in his own marriage. You’re not asking for the moon. You’re asking for him to give a shit. You’ve put in black and white terms what you want and expect from him, as he did.

You’ve made the effort to give him what he wants and needs and he has not made the same effort. He is 100000% taking you and your love for granted.

This tale is as old as time. Man works and neglects wife and kids. Wife gets tired of being neglected after numerous conversations. Wife eventually stops bringing this issue up. Husband thinks - “oh, she’s not “nagging” me anymore, things must be better!”

And then wife leaves 10-20 years down the line, typically when kids are grown and mostly independent. Husband is shocked and devastated but it’s too late, damage is done, she no longer gives a shit and walks out.

This isn’t every marriage. It’s not every man.

My husband cares about my feelings and wants and needs. He brings me home little gifts to make me smile or because he was thinking of me. He goes out of his way to make me happy because he cares about my happiness. And vice versa. He works long hours at a trade job. I’m at home with two kids (I’m also a student). He realizes that he couldn’t do the job he loves if I didn’t decide to put my dreams aside so one of us could be home with the kids.

I also realize that he works long hours and makes decent money so we can live comfortably and so our kids have all their needs and even some wants.

It’s 50/50. I expect him to be present with me and the kids when he’s home. He wants to do that, to be present with us, because we’re his family and he loves us. I’m not big on gifts but if I asked my husband for anything specifically - like earrings - he’d absolutely get them for me.

Marriage is teamwork. It’s two people making each other happy and better people. It’s growing together as individuals and meeting each other halfway. It’s respecting one another’s time, values, beliefs, goals, personalities etc. It’s doing nice things because you love one another and want to. It’s listening to the other person. If they need something from you, and it’s reasonable, it’s going out of your way to meet that need because you care about that person and what they need and want from a marriage and vice versa.

Marriage takes work. It takes two.

Sounds like - outside of the bills/finances - you’re carrying the bulk of this marriage.