Well we have addressed my "feeling like mommy" often, and of course it's my issue, as I said in a reply to someone else. So, therefore I handle certain things that matter to me (like replacing worn clothes, bills and bank stuff, deep cleaning). I do get out of bed at night if he is still passed out on the couch to get him to come to bed, but that's my want/need, so I have no issue. He doesn't care if he wakes up at 8am in his jeans on the couch, and I don't fight him to come to bed. I just give him a nudge, you know? As far as setting alarms, I just don't do it anymore (out of forgetfulness, not malice or to teach him a lesson) so he has had to get better about it. He wakes up early as fuck anyway, though, so it isn't ever an issue.

I don't think it's a matter of not respecting his choices... Sure his facial hair is his choice (I even said so in the post, he is a grown ass man), but I am also turned off by it, so that choice is affecting our marriage and needs to be addressed. However, the clothes-with-holes thing is also his choice, but it bothers me and it doesn't take much time out of my day to pick out a new shirt/socks at Target and that is how we solved that issue. He also isn't emotionally attached to his holey clothing so he doesn't care that I replace it as I see fit. So, that isn't an issue and I'm not sure where you are getting that I don't treat him like an adult. I very much let him be an autonomous person, and I don't think making sure he has presentable clothes to wear is disrespecting his choices. I'm also picking out things he loves, which aren't the clothes I would choose for him if I was being entirely selfish. Sometimes husbands or wives or boyfriends or girlfriends will do things like grocery shop, be in charge of the utilities, and buy socks and underwear. It's part of the domestic package for some, but there are limits to it and we had to learn our limits with some trial and error.

At this point, I just know better than to take on a task (as the poster suggested I shave him) that will leave me feeling like his mom, so I brought up the issues that we have worked around as an example. So, shaving him is not an option for me (just as I wouldn't bathe him on the regular, unless he had a physical limitation).

I think at some point, in our marriage at least, we are each other's caretakers to an extent. Though I am more independent and don't like to be babied when feeling sick, sometimes I have to be and he rises to the task without prompting. We have just had to work out our domestic give and take to something that keeps us both happy and I just didn't think controlling his facial hair to the point of shaving him would work for us at all. I don't think there is a fundamental incompatibility at this point. I tend to look at things a lot more logically than he does, and I would wager that I would be looking into divorce and not talking this out on reddit if I felt like we were incompatible or unable to work through this.