You’ve gone through an immense amount of trauma that sounds intergenerational. No wonder this is a heavy weight to bear. It’s really hard.

I relate to this constant worry, and I am especially concerned and anxious about my spouse hurting himself, to the point I was driving him crazy asking if he was ok all summer during a number of home improvement projects, whenever I heard the trigger of power tool noises. I have dx OCD as well, so my fear of harm is palpable and gets into looping cycles of rumination and panic. What’s made it difficult to overcome is that, like you, my worries have very often been founded in reality. They do not come solely from irrational imagined horrors or exaggerated fears. People I’ve loved have died from undx illnesses like cancer, and malpractice by a doctor quite suddenly, I’ve also been hospitalized suddenly with severe autoimmune reactions, and my spouse has needed multiple ER visits from being injured in the past.

I keep telling/asking myself “Am I or my spouse dying right NOW? No. Ok. Now what’s next...move on.” I’ve had to mindfully check in with immediate present signs to reassure myself all is ok. I’ve also discussed with my therapist the importance of having scripts worked out for emergencies, so my spouse and I have a plan that we agree to follow if/just in case. That has given me some comfort in being more prepared, since I also fear shutting down and being unable to make decisions under duress (since I have sensory overload and processing issues).

I am still prone to feel unsafe and try to prepare for the next catastrophe. It will take mindful overrides of my automatic fear/flight/freeze response to keep it in check. I’m hoping that if I can keep my inner Girl Scout satisfied for being prepared and assured I’m doing the best I can, that my brain can have a bit of rest. It’s been crucial to work through all these contingencies - however ridiculous and granular the details sound - with my therapist. It requires talking about it brutally like you’re planning a play by play in sports, away from the emotion, so your coping actions become more rote. Like, oh I see he’s using the saw. I’m going to breathe now, and just make sure the phone is handy, and not interrupt his focus.

I wish it were easier or I had a simple answer. I think it depends on the situation you’re in, other simultaneous stressors, and continually practicing those strategies to cope.