If all of Reddit were to declare war, which subreddits would faction together and what subreddits would form rivalries?

Tensions are rising in May 2015. Exams would be over soon, and everyone knew what was coming. Quietly, blocs begin forming.

  • /r/aww and /r/pics sign a secret mutual defense pact promising to unleash waves of beautiful cuteness. /r/earthporn was approached but wavered, not wanting to risk despoiling the environment.

  • /r/atheism began mobilizing. Their euphoric battle cries rang out, causing Mom's basement to echo. Unfortunately, sniper fire from /r/justneckbeardthings caused a lot of butthurt wounds in the early phases. Only the timely intervention of /r/vegan offering Animal-Free Cheetos and Mountain Dew rally the troops.

  • Alarmed, /r/christianity and /r/islam hold joint forces training exercises. /r/israel tries to join and is rebuffed for now. After cries of jubilation from [really sicko tiny subs I won't mention because my fingers would rot if I did], the alliance is thrown open to all comers. /r/mithras raises a few eyebrows, though.

  • /r/science, /r/askscience, /r/history, /r/historyporn and /r/Anthropology immediately decide to form Forums Employing Truly Intelligence Discussion. (FETID) /r/AskHistorians is formally invited but declines due to the violation of the 20 year rule. Mods decree "Ask us again in 2035".

With tensions continuing to rise, and some alarming border brigade attacks (unclaimed by any sub as of yet) plus sporadic troll and run incidents, in June 2015 a few more of the defaults become alarmed and start to act. "In self defense", they all claim.

  • /r/IAma wheels out /u/chooter and points her at the key border crossing line, smiling and wagging her finger. The massing hordes immediately back away, because... Victoria, guys, amirite? (Tipping fedoras in passing, the mobs retreat.).

  • Unfortunately, /u/karmanaut doesn't notice this last development in time and threatens to ban everyone who even thought about participating from all of the 10,000 subreddits he mods. Accusations of "Literally Hitler" begin to fly in all directons. Unruly mobs form and chant "freeze peach" in all subreddits. Except /r/trees, they sit around wondering "what's all that noise out there, dude?".

  • /r/futurology announces a crash course to develop superweapons. Unfortunately early tests of the Atomic Napalm Neutralizer fail, enraging /r/calvinandhobbes who invoke the Don't Mess with Calvin Act (DMCA) to have the development stopped and references to it removed immediately. Cowed, the Admins step and and nuke the threads.

By July 2015 events start to careen out of hand.

By August 2015 the non-Reddit world starts to become alarmed.

  • /r/outside takes a position on the role of NPCs in the Game of Reddit. Finally.

  • HuffPo puts up a short blog on "Whither Reddit Now, And What Does Jennifer Lawrence Think About It?".

  • Buzzfeed steals the most scurrilous comment threads and puts out a hilarious web page, "Invective At Its Finest! Number 8 Will Make You Gasp!"

  • /r/hacking speculates if the entire mess was started by North Korea, Russia, Anonymous, the Lizard Squad or a disgruntled Reddit ex-employee. Nobody knows, but some good guesses and technically persuasive answers are given. All are satisfied. /r/conspiracy joins in and answers the question, "Who really did it?" to their own satisfaction. "YES" is the answer.

... and /u/Eternally65's fingers are about to fall off. Anyone want to continue this? I need a break.

/r/AskReddit Thread