If you already donate to the ASPCA, there should be a way you can opt out of watching those depressing animal commercials again

Every so often I'll be watching re-runs of George Lopez on Nick-At-Nite and fantasizing about buttfucking his wife, when all of a sudden the show cuts to one of those depressing ASPCA commercials. Suddenly all these sad, abused looking animals are on the screen with despairing soundtrack to match. Now at this point, most people would probably start sobbing like little bitches while reaching for their credit card to make a donation. Fuck that. The way I see it, I was minding my own goddamn business, chuckling a little bit at George Lopez (the show isn't that funny, but what else is on at 3:00am?), and pleasantly daydreaming about going balls deep in his fictional television wife. When out of the blue I'm bombarded with some bullshit animal sob story. Am I a fucking bartender? Do I look like a sympathetic ear to you? No. I'm an average guy with just enough money to fill my fucking gas tank at the end of every work week.

So out comes my cock. It's usually pretty hard from eyeing up Constance Marie already. I shuffle over to the television with my pants around my ankles and my throbbing dick in hand, while stroking off to the defenseless little animals intruding on my good time.

"Oh, yeah! You think you're getting my money, huh?" I moan while gratifying my sexual organs. "Well, you can fucking forget it! Ughhhh!" My knees buckle in overwhelming pleasure.

By this time my wife usually wakes up - a little foggy and confused from sleep.

"Sweetheart, are you spanking off to those abused animals again?" her groggy voice asks.

"Oh, fuck yeah! They're trying to make me sad, but my soul is dogshit!" I moan through bated breath.

"Okay, hon. Don't spunk on the screen again. That shit smears." she responds before rolling over and returning to sleep.

Now the real challenge here is to climax before the commercial ends. I know when you weak-ass pussies are weeping through this sappy bullshit it seems like the commercial stretches on forever, but when you're tossing off, minutes seem like seconds. Now it's a race against time with these asshole animals and my throbbing ramrod's sexual endurance. My mammoth cock usually spits with a few seconds left in the commercial, landing on the 1-800-number, as I sigh in sexual ecstasy. I catch hell for it in the morning when my old lady wants to watch the A.M. News and there's a cum-stain on the talking heads. Oh, well. Fuck those commercials and fuck the assholes that air them during sitcoms.

/r/Showerthoughts Thread