If animals could take people's jobs, what will be each species' profession?

I'll use farm animals...

Cows: Middle management. Probably some fat, heifer bitch like my boss who stands around and does nothing but cast judgmental stares and drop shit on all the smaller creatures as all the other wildlife who aren't beneath her gaze go about with meaningful purpose. They also only congregate with other cows, and only move when the herding dogs are on their asses.

Dung Beetle: Office guy. This is what I am. I crawl out of my hole everyday to see how much new shit the cow has passed out and work said shit until the day is done. I exist only to compile shit, make shit manageable, suck shit up, and be rewarded based on how much shit I can tolerate and make disappear. We don't like working with shit, but it's just what we do.

Herding dogs: Corporate guys. They fucking LIVE for the moment when a heifer gets out of line. They also don't live with the rest of the farm animals, they live it up in the comfy farmhouse, and exist make sure all the cows don't fuck around or stray. Cows not producing? The herding dogs will bark those poor bitches to the slaughterhouse.

Farm ducks: IT guys. Nobody really knows what the farm ducks do everyday, but occasionally they'll spot something that isn't right and quack incessantly until the farmer notices. Sometimes the farm ducks are nice enough not to quack when us dung beetles pass some NSFW turds around the farmhouse.

Roosters/Hens: Accounting. The good chickens (hens) help the farmer save money by eating all the wasted grain and producing eggs. The roosters are the bad accountants. They exist to try and fuck the hens, and make waaay too much noise early in the morning because apparently they have nothing better to do.

/r/AskReddit Thread