I hate therapy too. I feel like I'm handing money to someone to tell me the same few sentences over and over while asking about my parents. Meds made me fat and more depressed.

It almost sounds like your suicidal thoughts are out of habit at this point. Like if you could break the habit somehow, youd have less suicidal thoughts? I'm no dr or anything but it just sounds like your brain gets comfortable ruminating the same shitty thoughts over and over. Maybe make a new habit? Not like drugs or anything addictive. Something where you get out more. Like trivia night at a bar or something or karaoke. Break the monotony and you may find yourself thinking about trivia questions that they may ask next week or a new song you'd like to sing at karaoke.

To be fair, karaoke is what got my husband to stop trying to kill himself before we met. He was hospitalized a few times. Then he started going and he got hooked on doing karaoke. He hates people so its kind of shocking that we ever even met. We met while at a bar and became karaoke buddies before we dated. He just gets new obsessions to fill his time. For a while it was the gym once we stopped doing karaoke and now that we are broke its video games or reading about aliens. He just keeps his brain busy and he rarely thinks about suicide anymore. Like you, his was throughout childhood into adulthood too.

Also I want to point out the whole "its selfish to kill yourself" thought is a load of shit. You're right on that. But the shit part of suicide is you cant back out. You miss out on what could be a kick ass ending to your life. You could be so close to finding a passion or a partner.

You say you're tired. Just rest a while mentally. Be a blob for a bit. That's ok. Theres no need to try to force anything mentally until you're ready to try something new.

I sincerely hope you try some of this. Like I said before I'm no dr or therapist. Just someone with mental illness who is married to someone who has spent time in psych wards.