Thought it was just the alcohol last night, but I woke up this morning thinking the same and feeling the same. I have talked about it with a friend I haven't seen in decades this morning. He says he's in the same boat, and seems to be interested in helping me through.
I don't want to put that on him, I just wish I had someone around that actually cared about me. I don't like feeling that the only way someone cares is if im suicidal. It's all so hollow, its not like he isn't someone I cared about, just that I don't want to burden anyone else.
Im really contemplating this blade instead, I have some surgical blades, but I really don't want to do it. I'm so tired of being alone, and making mistakes so many times, that they just become decisions. Im a grown fucking man, I have been lying to my friends and family. The last time I went out was to drink, and the last time b4 that was to drink. My best friend would just tell me to smarten up.
My ex sent me a message this morning after I sent her one last night, and she seems so much better now. And that hurts so much, Why can't I make anything work. I have been driving without a license due to child support cutting me off. My mom gave me a lot of money to pay that off, but I used it for sex toys, bills my ex left me with, and other random crap. I figured I wouldn't need a vehicle as much, but its bothering me so much that I lied to her about it. She has paid my rent this month, and many others in the past. She sends me texts about how her paycheck isn't going to be so great this month, when she sent my rent this month, oh and my "insurance" too.
I want to so badly talk to my ex about this, because she was my best friend for the last 3 years, and then it all fell apart. I don't want to put that on her. But I miss her so much. I can't stop crying. I don't have any motivation to go out, and I feel so apathetic.
This is that last conversation I have had with her. I sent it last night.
"I miss you and I know I'll never get to have things the way they could have been. Im just glad your back home where your happy and have found someone to treat you well, it hurts me so much but I am very happy for you. I wish you nothing but the best and this is the last time you will hear from me. I will send your diploma and that is all I will keep for you. Im going to get rid of everything else. I'm also going to need you to contact northern properties to remove your name from the lease. If I don't have a job capable of it, by the end of February I'm giving up the apt. Have a wonderful life, you beautiful caring wonderful person. You graced my life while I wasn't capable of understanding that, I thank you for your effort in trying to get through to me. I hope one day I can be lucky enough to realize fully what I could have had. I'm sorry for the late hour, and everything I have put you through."
"Thank you for your speach. I don't mind talking to you. We do have lots of good memories. I have put all the bad memories aside to heal a friendship we once had. We both were going through alot of difficulties and I understand I lied alot. I'm sorry I broke your heart. I greatly appreciate the fact that you want to return my diploma, thank you... I would like you to keep the plaque in your closet to remind you of our good times. Of the love we had for so long. And know that we are still friends. I forgive you."
She wasn't anything like that with me, and shes so happy now, it just makes me cry so much knowing that I am the problem. I don't have the will to be better, I see how she is, I see how my daughters mom is better off, I see my other ex's in LTR's. It hurts so much to see the common denominator.
My daughter, is a beautiful, smart, kind, little typical girl. And I can either see her being isolated from her mothers current family (because its true of what she tells me) or I'm relating heavily to something I want to see. I don't want to do this, but I haven't left home in weeks except to do stupid shit, I don't feel confident. I just feel so alone, I know I ahve pushed people away, but I thought people that care about you wouldn't let that happen. That makes me think about how shitty I am at picking people that are honest. 3 weeks ago, I was doing better at this, I wasn't motivated, but I was going for walks and trying to be better, but after learning about my ex dating already, and then trying to tlak to her and apologize because I wanted to try and salvage something, she bragged about her new bf.... i can't take this pain anymore. I am the problem, and this isn't even half of what my problems are.