WELL,

first off i'd love my grandma to bits while she was here. i'd cherish every goddamn day leading up to the day she died of cancer. and i would tell her i loved her too that day she tried to write that on the piece of paper and i didn't realize that was what she was writing until well after she was no longer conscious.

i'd try to deal better with chronic depression and my mom's abusiveness during high school. i'd go to school every day and try really hard even when i didn't understand things and i wouldn't let others intimidate me or bully me. i'd stand up to the guy that spit in my lunch. but i would make the same exact friends, and do everything the same with them. i'd spend even more time under the stars with her and never want to let go. i would have made a move on the cute guy that saw my self esteem issues and wanted to help me with them, even if he did have a girlfriend at the time. i'd tell my art teacher and my senior english teacher thank you for seeing me, thank you for supporting me, thank you for being the only ones to ask if there was anything wrong, even if i wouldn't tell you.

i'd sign up for the PSAT, take the SAT twice, and apply to a far away school in the state. i'd start immediately on an IT degree instead of fucking around with an expensive arts school for a year. no loans for me, thanks. i'd work really hard and get my degree done in 4 years and start looking for jobs immediately.

i'd also take care of my credit starting at age 18. i wouldn't be drowned in bad healthcare decisions just because i was uninformed of the consequences.

i wouldn't stop drawing every day whenever i went to college. i would push myself to keep up my steady routine of every day drawing and not let myself get so behind and so lazy.

i would try harder to be apart of my best friend's life. i'd go whenever she asked me to visit. i'd go to her grandmother's funeral. i'd go to her wedding. we would still be happily best friends for life, like we thought we'd be when we were only 16.

i'd take care of my skin and my teeth and my hair. i wouldn't dye it a million times in order to look edgy and daring, i'd just be daring. i'd change my diet early on and exercise more and say yes whenever my college roommates asked me if i wanted to go out. i wouldn't waste so much time being alone and i'd do so many things sooner. i'd keep in touch with all of my old friends and build a support network and get out of the house so. much. sooner.

and maybe then i wouldn't be half the terrible person i am now.