Ah, yes, absolutely, it drives me crazy to know that no level of logic necessarily "cures" this disorder and/or provokes true behavioral change. I think, for myself, that was one of my biggest hurdles - I had all the insight in the world and all of the "tools" to heal myself, but something always prevented me from changing my behavior and "giving it up," so to speak. A lot of my clients have similar struggles, and I think it's a big part of some individuals' psychopathology - getting stuck in the self-defeating cycle of knowing the behavior is "wrong" and feeling guilty about it and thus continuing to act on that behavior to assuage said guilt. It's hard to break the cycle and I think that's a huge obstacle for a lot of individuals with eating disorders. Guilt and shame are ugly emotions. That said, guilt and shame are not exclusive to individuals with eating disorder. I continue to experience guilt and shame feelings and I usually recognize, now, that they're often covering up other emotions that have been convoluted due to being difficult to process and experience (e.g., anger).

"Knowing better" is a farce, in my opinion. Of course you "know better." But, this is not your fault and there is a huge element of this outside of your control. You cannot willingly change your biology. This is a disorder just as much as depression and/or anxiety and/or schizophrenia is. It requires diligence, but also therapy and healing and self-compassion!

I find that working with individuals with eating disorders is a true reminder to me, every day, of the life I no longer want. I think there are times where I feel interestingly pulled at by some of my clients such that I experience that bizarre longing, but I usually recognize that there's something more at play and take time to examine it. Most of the time, though, I am not affected by it, and I think it's largely because my clients come in and they're fucking miserable. They're paralyzed by their disorders and that is entirely unappealing to me. However, my background helps me to relate to them and also helps me to help them.

If there were a time during which I felt that I were in a "dangerous place," I would take time off from being a therapist to get well. It is absolutely unacceptable to me to provide counseling to individuals with EDs if I'm not doing well myself. It's the same if I were in recovery from drug addiction and became a counselor and then proceeded to start using again while still counseling. It's not okay to me and I know I would have to take a time-out.