I'm [40/f] in 20y marriage with ups and downs. WHERE do you "fix" things?

I'm a 51 yr old happily married woman.

I don't have just a single outlet for looking for answers or help. I have several.

I have a regular counselor - because my husband should not be my counselor and sole emotional support. That's asking too much of any one person.

We do at least 1 relationship bonding weekend per year. (think Tantra kind of thing). It's an excuse to run off to a cocoon for the two of us.

We have regular date nights weekly. We have regular alone nights weekly.

FOr example - tuesday night my husband goes blues dancing (the dancing doesn't even start until 8:30 which is too late for me getting up at 5am) and I take our son out to dinner.

Saturday nights, we usually go out to dinner dancing or a show together.

The exercises that a counselor gives you are only as useful as the effort you put into them. If a counselor tells you to do a daily appreciation exercise - it isn't 'stupid' as a lot of people will say - it is to exercise that gratitude emotion which is sorely neglected in a lot of people.

Not every counselor will be right for every person. I have been to counselors who have been less than helpful. and I have been to counselors who have been wonderful.

I found the most effective way to work on my marriage is for both of us to go - to work on communication and empathy.

Here, most of the people here are younger than 30 and think that a 6 month relationship is long term. And still believe that prince charming is coming to sweep them off their feet and that they will have butterflies every time they look at their SO. And that those butterflies are worth staying in an abusive relationship.

I post on here because -well - it makes my relationship seem so much better. It's an exercise in gratitude - as in "thank heavens I don't have deal with that! Maybe he put some whites in the colors basket. No big deal. He didn't choke the dog or have a secret family."

/r/relationship_advice Thread