Honestly at this point in life man, I'm depressed.
Over the years I've just become a loser.
When I was in public school it was great, all of the girls had a crush on me. I was the life of the party. Class clown, always making everyone laugh. Friends with everyone.
I got to high school and in first year my friends outcast me because my one buddy had the hots for a girl and she wanted me instead. After that dance we never spoke again. I became a social outcast and had no friends, they all shunned me out. I spent my lunch hour sitting in the bathroom because I was too nervous to be out in the cafeteria or public areas in fear that my old friends would just bully me or run me down.
I never went to any parties in high school, never went on any dates, pretty much a loner and I only manged to make a few friends from another school.
When I was about 18 or so, my buddy asked if I was a virgin and I foolishly said yes. Now this small group of friends all made fun of me (as if I wasn't embarrassed enough) and told my brother who told my family so pretty much everyone in my life is making fun of me.
From that point I've always been too embarrassed to even date anyone or even attempt it because I knew in the back of my head, if she met any of my friends or family they would expose me in front of her for being a virgin and that would just make me feel like shit for having to put her in that position.
On top of that, I was embarrassed of myself and having any girl find out I was a virgin would just make her feel gross so I was too nervous and embarrassed about it to even try.
Now 12 years later I'm 30 and haven't been in a relationship. Have maybe 3 friends. Work from home and spend 90% of my time in front of the computer. I don't even go out, I don't have anyone to hang out with, I just work on the computer and exercise. The only time I leave the house if for groceries (and yes the guys are all taller than me)
It's pretty much my life, and it's been like that for the last 5 years.
I think maybe the drama from high school left a chip on my shoulder and I've been both afriad of people and hate their cruelty at the same time.
I think the lack of success with women is from my embarrassment of being a virgin and too much of what my family and friends think.
I blame myself for how my life turned out because I've been to much of a loser to do anything about it. I blame things like my height for lack of success. I have been called short my whole life, and yes even my dad called me short growing up. My parents are divorced. I don't care about it and I don't think it has anything to do with my lack of success with women, it has to do with lack of confidence in myself.
Maybe if I was taller women would be attracted to me, but now that I think about it if I was 6' I would probably still hate myself.
I'm not ugly or anything. I'm just a loner and this is the problem.
I don't know what to do to go from being a loner to being a socially active person with friends and a normal life. I've just be so alone for the past decade that this is pretty much my boring BORING BORING existence.
What about therapy? Yeah, I'm smart enough to work out a resolution in my head but I just don't take any action. I'm a coward.