Okay. So not exactly the same or on the same level but I feel this post so hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. And I’m sorry for the book, I guess this just seemed like an okay place to let out my feelings.
(In case you don’t read to the bottom) Sending you so much love, I hope you find what you need to be able to move on and be happy with yourself in life.
I’m in the most amazing relationship. I am so in love with him, our home, our dogs, I am so in love with him. But I hate myself. I hate myself to the point that every single day I’m thinking about every single action and word between us.
When I was young and dumb and in love I knew I’d found the right guy. He loved me SOOO much. All the cuddles and sex I wanted (which I need. I’ll take physical attention over any gift or money or dinner or anything. It’s probably something to do with my super messed up brain) So in my mind, there wasn’t anything more I needed. Except for the fact he couldn’t be bothered to get a license or a job even though he was already 21 at this point. My mom forbid me from seeing him, I went behind her back. Was in a bad accident and fucked up my ankle for life. I can’t walk right and am constantly in pain. It’s lovely. Blah blah blah, that all obviously ended terribly.
One really long, super abusive relationship with a manchild later, my current bf really did save me. I’ll never be able to explain everything I lost in my last relationship but it was pretty much all I had. My current bf was my abusive ex’s BEST friend. And because of that my ex didn’t hide the way he treated me as much as he did in front of others. Eventually it escalated to full on verbal abuse and pushing me around IN FRONT OF HIS BEST FRIEND. (He also extensively abused my dogs and for that I’ll never forgive myself) anyway - current bf pulled me to the side and told me I needed to get away and he’d help me. Considering he knew what was up and we’d become such good friends over the last two years, I took his help. Within 2 weeks I was pretty much living with him. Almost 2 years later and he’s been there for me through another wreck, we’ve bought 2 cars, a house, have 3 beautiful dogs, saving up for an engagement/wedding and are planning out a beautiful life together.
But then there’s me, when I’m alone, and the dark side of my brain takes over.
If he gets up in the am and rushes out of bed to the bathroom (we have to get up early for work) without cuddles or sex I’m terrified he’s in there checking out other girls (which he’s literally never done anything to make me actually think he would) or watching porn (I don’t necessarily care if he does but make sure I don’t want you first maybe?) even though he didn’t even try to be intimate with me first (like I said, all I ever want is sex. I have issues) and my brain’s like “hey, Jesse wouldn’t do that” and then that one thought ruins my whole day. I beat myself up. I hate myself for thinking about him but then I’ll see him everywhere I turn. A spam number will call me and it’ll look just like his.
I just feel like I have to constantly hate myself even more because I have this perfect (for me) man but all I ever do is think about the things that he does that aren’t perfect for me and my brain is so messed up idk how to talk to him about things so I just bottle it up like you do and now I’m on Reddit when I should be getting around for work crying about things I could probably easily fix with therapy and a few conversations with my boyfriend.