I'm depressed, she's bipolar, and I feel so scared and alone. Please Help.

I didn't understand bipolar when I dated my ex, and I as a result I took everything she said personally. It wasn't until I reached a point like the one you're describing, when I was at my wits end, that I decided I couldn't keep going unless she either apologized or attempted to see things from my perspective for a change (she called me selfish every time I asked her to look at it my way). It was difficult because there was never a clear signal, like "please don't go, I need you" or "uhg, please go away, I don't want you" which would have made things so much easier, but instead I had to balance my own limits not ever knowing whether there was love or not. Alas, you'll probably have to make your decision likewise without a clear indication which one she prefers. In my case, I took her actions, her flirting, her ridiculous amount of time spent hanging out with another guy, all at face value and decided to walk away. Ending it was painful. Every time I missed her I read a book on bipolar, or a blog post about relationships, or about the romance between Sir Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh, who herself was bipolar. I thought I was doing this to convince myself I made the right decision, but in truth I was secretly looking for a way to make sense of it, to get back to her. With each book I read I went back to her and tried to make up, but each time she rebuffed me with even less consideration than the time before. She must have thought I was crazy. It had been months since we split, and each time her eyes held less passion, but if Sir Olivier could make it work then so could I. She had no idea I was keeping the flame alive all that time we were apart. This week, after seeing her at a wedding and reading Vivien Leigh's biography, I tried again, and she pushed past me and said she'd call the cops if I didn't stop. So much for second chances. I've decided to bury it now, which is a shame since it was a long book and I read it for nothing.

So I'll never get to apply all that I've learned, but maybe you can still use it. The bottom line is this: stop trying to understand the illness and either love her for who she is, or draw a line in the sand with your own limits, but don't ask her to change and don't try to separate her condition from who she is. She and her condition are the same, and even if she doesn't identify with some of her actions, the fact that she has actions she can't identify with is part of who she is, so you'd might as well accept it or find someone else to love. If you stay with her then think about this: bipolar is a serious condition characterized by emotional turmoil. Let's say you give her everything you have to offer, and you support her unconditionally. It may only be good for 80% of what's bothering her. She may need someone else 20% of the time to help her battle those remaining demons. It seems unfair because we are brought up to believe in monogamy, which is the belief that one person can be 100% of what you need, but even Vivien Leigh who was married to the hottest actor of his day was fucking around behind his back with completely ordinary people. I don't think one person is enough for a bipolar person, and if you go into it thinking you can be everything for her then your ego will be sorely broken by the time you realize it isn't true. Even Laurence reached a tipping point, and you can find photos of his wife with an eyepatch after he threw her into a mantle. That said, it's probably different for different people. Maybe the breakdown is 95-5 for some, and more like 60-40 for others, but the point is you can't put pressure on yourself to be everything she needs or else you will break, and become worse for the wear. My advice if you choose to stay is, before you do anything else, think about yourself and what you need to stay happy and healthy and confident, then set limits so that you won't have to compromise in any of those areas. If you can find a way to work it out without compromising your own standards then you might have the best relationship of your life (bipolar people are great 80% of the time! it's the other 20% that kills you). If, on the other hand, she does not respect your limits and you compromise too much happiness or self respect, then think about how useless you will be once you become depressed. You won't even make her 10% happy! Clearly stating your limits is the necessary requisite for not only your happiness, but for hers as well if she wants a healthy, happy partner. So that's my advice in a round-about way. Hope you put it to better use than I can. Best of luck to you both.

/r/BipolarSOs Thread