Hello again,

I'm surprised by the amount of replies this got. I'm very grateful for your time and support. Many people have offered to talk, both in PMs and comments. Sorry that I cannot reply to all of your messages, but I do read every one of them. Instead I will try to write my thoughts in this post.

Unfortunately moving on is not an option for me. I have to stay in the house to wash, clean, cook and basically everything. I will get kicked out if I do not obey. Lost my best friend years ago, and basically my only option of making friends is online. But the internet cannot give hugs. I cannot get myself to tell my father, because he will leave the country for his job. If I tell him, he won't go. The last thing I want is to deny such an opportunity for him.

There's no point in blaming my aunt. Every person abuses someone in their life, in a way. She lost people too. I feel like I deserve it, if you agree or not.

Furthermore; I think you need a bit of a back-story, and to get something off my chest. When I was sixteen I got in an argument with my aunt resulting in a big cut on my cheek with a knife. After that she hit my head on the corner of the sink, which caused a lot of bloodloss and near fainting. I think she left me alone after that, probably the house too. Crying on the floor I was confused and overwhelmed. Not thinking clearly, I wanted to die and cut my wrist. I don't think I'd be able to kill myself if I was 100% conscious.

Unfortunately I didn't cut deep enough, and I was too scared to cut again. It was one of the most painful moments I've experienced. Even though I was half conscious, I do remember my dad crying screaming in my face. And I will never forget that. I got a lot of stitches in the hospital and stayed there for two weeks, before moving to the clinic. I promised my father to never leave him again. I don't want to be the murderer of both persons he loved.