3. I'm going to wake up in the morning

I'm going to wake up in the morning

I feel 100% with this. Overall when I look at my life and my upbringing and all the years that lead me to now, I can see that it was heavily negative. But I'm not comfortable saying I have experienced abuse or trauma, because I feel like that mitigates the experiences of true sufferers of abuse and trauma yknow.

But that's just all about being way too close to the flame for way too long to notice that it's that hot. So I'm routinely called stupid, worthless, lazy, pathetic, insane, whathaveyou. I've been attacked for things I didn't do or told my feelings didn't matter my whole life. So yeah, to me, that was just the family dynamic. You get slapped upside the head for something small or choked against something if things got out of control but there was never any hitting so it wasn't abuse. I still get locked out of the house and threatened to be evicted. Before I was 18 it was being threatened to send me to foster care, then kicked out, and now formally "evicted" it's fucked up dude

And I can recognize that this is unfair treatment from a family but I don't identify trauma. I'm certain my dad has some brand of NPD and my old therapist shared those beliefs with me once when she met him. My mom is a surrogate puppet for whatever he says. Annoyingly so. My sister is a golden child blessed with fucking expensive purses and iMac airs and shit and here I am with a broken hand me down chromebook from my dad for the second time. I get my sisters hand me downs and she's younger than me. Family issues have been rising a lot lately, Im being denied food out of the household fridge and made feel bad for talking during family dinners because "why is everything I say an argument" when I say my chicken isn't frozen.

I went off on a tangent but I understand completely what you mean in relation to your original statement with dissociation from your past. Because it bothers me a lot. I'm like yeah I was that kind that had no friends and no family support. And I still kinda am wait woah that's so weird

And then I was that kid that did a lot of drugs and I still kinda am and shit

It's like I see myself from certain ages as yeah that's weird that was me... And then you realize you still kind of are that person, just taking on different forms. But why am I always shedding my mental skin and pretending I'm not the same?

Except for that time I lost my damn mind and dressed in Lolita every day that was weird

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