I'm gonna die

Kind of. I've always been very insecure. As a result I always lived in my own little bubble, I saw it as worse to try and fail than not try at all. I never put myself out there and I never tried at anything because when I inevitably fail it would just validate what people thought of me (my thinking then, not now). Anyways, as I got older I felt a sense of kind of impending doom. I knew that if I didn't get over my fear of failure my life would go nowhere. So, last year I had an opportunity and got a girlfriend. She was a good person and well adjusted (as in she had strong friendships, a job, etc.). I figured this would be the thing that finally pushed me out into the "real world", but no. 3 months in, she had introduced me to a bunch of her friends (most were cool, i liked them), brought me along to events, etc. and I had formed no new friendships and I was still pretty anxious to even make small talk with her. It was just really painful for me to be with her, so we broke up. What that relationship also did was get rid of my coping mechanism. I used to pretend to be an awful person to push people away, just really edgy. Socializing more did make me realize that that's just not a good thing to be, and I couldn't now even if I tried lol. So now, I don't have my friends who I used to be edgy with (they were easy friends for me because we never, in the slightest, opened up to each other or anything, so i never had to deal with being vulnerable or reacting to someone being vulnerable to me, even in very simple ways), and I have no non-edgy friends either. I tried making some, but I failed, so now I have nobody. I'm not gonna go back to being a bad person like I was because I see that a worse outcome for me than death, but at the same time I can't seem to form relationships or function. I also feel a lot of pressure as I get older and have more and more responsibilities and expectations stacked on top of me. I don't feel like I did the best job fully explaining things, but I tried...

Anyways, thanks for talking to me.

/r/mentalhealth Thread Parent