At 19 I had a really close call with suicide. Similar to what you were talking about I planned it all out. I was well known for driving extremely fast and so a terrible car wreck wouldn’t be suspicious, I picked the spot out due to construction I could hit this one concrete wall at about 110mph (nobody was around) and it was a terrible way to go but it seemed destiny. Anyways i filled my gas tank, deleted my history, any private texts, logged out of anything in my old slider phone and just as I was going to pull out of the parking lot I got a text from an unknown number asking if I was ok. It rattled me for a few days, maybe there was good in the world ect. And then things went completely sideways in the weeks that followed , And things got bad enough I was too angry to just go die like that and no way in the world I’d let anyone that disliked me get the satisfaction of seeing me gone. I packed my things into a box and suitcase and moved across the country for a change of pace and just set my sights on winning for me and anyone who cared about me. It worked and I’m a better guy for having looked that death curse in the face and rejected it.