Hey, I appreciate everything you said and that you took interest in me for what I was saying, went back and searched previous things ive said and just support me like that. It means a lot. Well, like you have said I have had a rough go of things recently. It's frustrating because I am self aware,I know my strengths and weaknesses.. I know myself. I know that I feel all of these horrible things but at the same time I strive for and believe all the opposites of what I'm experiencing. I have been through a lot and I hate saying that because I don't want to come off as if my story is worse than the next because I don't think that way but, I've been through at lot through the years. I'm not progressing in my pursuit to be getting better. I had made progress early buti hit that rookie wall as they say in basketball. I am just sad all of the time. I have no motivation to do anything. I don't have any friends, I don't talk with anyone which causes me to fall deeper in this depression because I spend a lot of time thinking why that is and all the time alone is just a constant reminder of all that is no more. I have never been without friends, people to hang out with,, it is crazy to me to be in this position. It is something I struggle with because I have always been surrounded by a lot of people. The idea of meeting people and befriending people is scary because of my past experiences. I don't want to go through losing people close to me. Its just I find myself cynical about getting better because of everything that has happened throughout my life has taught me to be that way while at the same time the real me is still there thinking all of those positive things. It's just this fight within myself to get better. Just like I've stated, I'm totally worn out from everything. In regards to drugs, I didn't use for a high but instead used seeking to not feel the way I was. After time passed living that way, the effects of doing what I was doing made what I was already experiencing that much worse. I remember the relief I felt after stopping. I felt like I was "high". The side effects of drugs made my anxiety and depression unbearable after time passed.I was just in a very bad place that I couldn't see that. After things with my relationship fell apart I somehow woke up to how I was living and stopped using. While I am much better than previously, I am still not doing too well. Like you said small victories do add up. I'm just tired of feeling the way I do and knowing that I want better and I'm not getting better is just difficult to deal with.. Thanks so much for your support, it goes a long way.