Yeah.... I'm lonely. More than I've felt in years. I say more than 'in years' because despite looking like a very sociable, contented creature to most - I'm the opposite. Having said that, I'm glad of what I've got - a few good people who make me laugh, despite lacking a connection of any real substance.
Mid-2014, I had a 'Big C' scare. The Doctor's seemed sure it was going to be the big bad thing and told me to 'hope for the best - prepare for the worst'. So I did just that. On the final results day, even the Doc's were shocked to be saying that I was being given the all clear. I went home to celebrate.... only to realise those crazy kids I've been spending so much time with over the last few years, either made my ordeal theirs (one in particular developed anxiety issues over their fears of having to cope with grief if I'd died) or simply pushed me about things they wanted out of me but didn't want to ask until I was 'all better'. There was hardly much note about my experience other than the raising of a glass. Yet, here I was feeling like I was still facing my own mortality despite coming through.
So.. I love them. I always will love them. But, I have been forced to realise that I am seen to be the most 'together' in the collective and my role as that has meant that when shit got real for me, I had no one to really turn to, or lean on. Rather, everyone just expected - despite my stating otherwise - that I 'got this' and would be fine with little intervention. When I was scared, they panicked, and I immediately felt guilty and toughened up to tell them that it would be ok... After that... opening up, sharing my fears or vulnerability or otherwise all seemed a bit meaningless, when considering how much fear and disengagement this experience had caused in the ranks, and how I would just be expected to step up anyways.
So, I guess I was lonely all along when I really consider it... I just didn't know just how alone I was until now. So, since the scare, I did some soul searching, healed a lot more things than my body, and quite my career. I'm starting a new path in 2015, and I'm scared and confused about my choices... which feel right, but naturally after a decade studying and working towards my now defunct line of work, I'm worried about this new and currently unknowable future. I have no one to talk to about it - or anyone to turn to. I do have a wonderful SO who I love to pieces and helped me with all of this, but my SO and I are literally polar opposites in almost all ways - so the impact on my feelings in all of this or my identity is a bit lost on him. I'm still glad of him though... how could I not be with at least someone to say some of these things to - even if I do have to live with no understanding nor reply.
Sadly though, that still makes me feel pretty alone... sometimes my whole life just feels like a legacy of feeling lost and without a real friends to understand my choices or my journey's. Given how much I care about my friends in this area, it's hard not to feel a tad bitter... but I love them. So I will keep giving my resources to them. I just feel like maybe I'm destined to always be alone with mine? Who knows.
Sorry. I didn't mean to write so much - I hoped by doing so I'd fill a little of what feels like a gaping void inside my chest. It didn't, but it seems as pointless to post as to delete and fuck it, this is only a throwaway anyhow.
Thanks for the internet love. much love back.