I was thinking about posting here and I saw your post just now and it pretty much sums up what I'm feeling in this very moment myself.

It's utterly, cosmically unfair that there are so many people (like you and I) who have hearts bursting out of our chests for love, but at the same time sabotage themselves (in my case: being bipolar) from achieving so. The fact that you are aware that you want those things tells me your book isn't closed yet. Not saying you'll just meet someone tomorrow, but if you end it all you certainly won't. I've been trapped in my room for almost 2 years now. I finally joined a meetup.com group a month ago for programming. It's a big first step for me. Met three times as many new people as I had before (went from 0 to 3 hah). What are your interests?

I've been suicidally depressed for 21 years now. It's more than a bad habit, it's who I am and have grown into. That being said, I've only BEGUN to chip away at that 2 years ago with proper meds and therapy. I very often lose hope weekly and want to just end it, but I figure I can give meds/therapy just a bit more time. I know you mention not liking hospitals, but what about setting up maybe a separate therapist outside of a hospital? Sorry I'm not sure what you are working with in terms of treatment.

I can't tell you it'll get better for you. I just don't know. I gain a few steps here and there and then slide back a staircase. Sometimes I feel like I could hike up a mountain. But right now I completely understand what you feel like and you should know you aren't alone.