I'm not a critical thinker, I've had to convince myself of atheism; what the fuck is wrong with me?

It's okay to be fooled by a clever but incorrect argument: It happens to everyone occasionally. If an argument leads to a conclusion that makes no sense (such as the existence of God), then it is worth taking the time to investigate it further, and perhaps ask for help, before accepting the conclusion. Anyone who is sincere will allow you time to mull it over. Someone who insists that you make up your mind immediately fears that you will disagree with them if you have a chance to think it over. (It's a common sales tactic: "This is your only chance to buy it at this great price!" Which obscures the possibility that you might not want to buy it at all.)

You wrote, "... I wanted to be smart, I wanted to be part of an elite subset." The desire to belong to an elite group is common, but problematic. For comparison, consider many people's wish to be famous. Being famous sucks: You don't get any privacy, people will use your sound bytes out of context for things you may not support, well-meaning fans demand more time than you can give, you can't tell who values you versus who values your fame, etc. But people think "famous" is "good" because, in most cases, people get famous for their great accomplishments. Similarly, being "smart" isn't inherently good: It's useful as a means to an end, because it makes some things (like learning skills) easier. Being "elite" doesn't mean much in itself, but is an indicator that you have certain skills, talents, or resources that certain other people value -- which might be a good thing, if those people's value system isn't out of whack, but is certainly not guaranteed. (In junior high school and many "society" circles, knowing what to wear and whom to pick on can make you "elite". But in those contexts, that's not a thing worth being.)

I suspect that this part of your desire involves mistakenly contrasting yourself with others, a topic which Tedesche covered quite well. I will add: "The only person you should strive to be better than is the person you were yesterday." A bit more on the subject here.

Good luck.

/r/atheism Thread