I think I'm not as trans as I thought I was or does anyone of the guys feel similar?

I'm just sad to hear that you thought that expressing doubt about your own personal situation would be forbidden. Why would that be? You're not saying "no one is really trans" or anything, you're just questioning your own identity, which everyone is free to do. Have people been making you feel unwelcome here? Somewhere else?

I tried seeking relief on the Internet by being seen as a guy [...] but just as soon as someone did I got the same uncomfortable feeling I get from being seen as a girl and felt like telling them I have boobs and that I'm actually a girl wanting to be seen as a guy.

Internalized transphobia is a thing. Anyone can have it, regardless of whether they are trans, cis, GQ/NB, or something else. For you to initially react with revulsion ("ME! Trans? Noooo...") is quite understandable given the amount of negativity towards trans people in the culture. ("A trans person? Me? No, I'm not one of those, people treat those people like crap, and I don't deserve to be treated like crap, so clearly I'm not one.")

Denial is real, too. You might be telling yourself no, because transition is scary and you don't want to deal with it.

I experience something like gender dysphoria
My friends sometimes jokingly call me a guy which I quite like
I did not plan on acting on it and wanted to just wait a year or something til killing myself is the easiest solution

If you are at a point where you are considering suicide, even as a distant option, I strongly, strongly urge you to connect with your local transgender community. I guarantee you that there are other people who experienced the same doubts and fears as you. Peer support will likely make you feel reassured. And it is important to actively get away from things that make you feel suicidal.

/r/ftm Thread