I'm a partner who doesn't put out often.

passive aggression Yes, because the resentment builds up. It is not an instantaneous thing that happens after the first refusal. It is something that grows over months and years.

Understandable, but usually not beneficial when it comes to fixing a problem. If the goal is to become intimate again, being passive aggressive isn't the way to go about it... it's just more damaging. I'm sure everyone already knows that though.

If I'm not in the mood... I don't think there is a single approach that would fit all situations. How long have you been like that? If it's only a month or so, you can make it up tomorrow or the next day. A few months? However you say it, it's going to hurt him. A year or more? He probably does not believe a word you say anymore.

We've been having sex about once or twice a month for the past 2/3 months. I wouldn't stay or expect my partner to stay in a relationship where sex was nonexistent (or very scarce over a long stretch of time). I don't like that we don't have sex, it's just a place we're at in our relationship. Hopefully, this will get better very shortly, as we're both working on it (not with focus on sex, but ourselves... which will ultimately lead to sex).

Also, it matters a lot what sex is like when you do have it. If there is passion, and he can clearly see that you want and desire him, it should mitigate the hurt from previous rejections. But if you're just allowing him to have sex with you just to get it over with, it will probably only make things worse. Starve him enough, and he will accept even the starfish duty sex, knowing full well that you are doing it out of some sense of obligation or pressure. But it will not really satisfy. It will relieve the physical need, but not the emotional one. Because, what most of us really want, in addition to the orgasms, is to know that we are wanted, desired, that our partner thinks we are sexy, and so on.

I definitely don't do starfish sex... tried it thinking at least sexual needs would be met, but found it made me dislike sex even more because of the negative association that was being made in the process. When sex is had, it is good and intimate. Even if we aren't having sex, I still flirt with him and give him other types of affection to show he is desired and I do notice him.

Going off on a little tangent, from a scientific perspective, we are all products of evolution, and we are all here to procreate. That is really the only real purpose in life. AFAIK, the best that modern philosophers have been able to come up with is that the purpose of life is to give life purpose -- which is kind of nonsense, and in any case, not the answer most of us are looking for. We pass on our genes to our children -- about 50% or so, randomly selected, to each child, and the more children we have, the more of our genes we can pass on to the next generation. But, from a scientific perspective, it is not at all wrong (and probably more correct) to rephrase it and turn it around 180 degrees: genes use us to make copies of themselves. Natural selection weeds out the genes that are bad as making copies of themselves, and promotes those that are good at it, by whatever means they happen to accomplish it. Natural selection has been at work for several billion years (as far as we know), so much so that an enormous part of us, the products of that natural selection, is geared towards procreation. The point I am trying to make is that, when you reject your partner, the message that you are (unintentionally) sending to him is that he is not fit enough to mate with. And that hurts. It hurts on some kind of deep, unconscious, primordial level. And that is in addition to the way it hurts when we process the rejection with our highly developed frontal lobes, and all that.

I think science is partially to blame for people's decreased libidos. We want to have sex but we're not programmed to always want sex from the same person. It's important to have novelty and to keep the passion fresh, otherwise it becomes a habit rather than a desire. If I wanted a habit, I'd just masturbate. Honestly though, I think it's REALLY important to have sex with someone you wouldn't mind creating life with... because if you accidentally get pregnant, then unless you're willing to abort, you are stuck with this person (not necessarily in a relationship). If my partner is mentally unwell, I do not feel a desire or feel safe engaging with them. I find that the more stable he is, the more he takes care of himself, the more attracted I become. Science is really interesting that way.

He's disrespected me ... realized how damaging that was. That is understandable. But you also need to realize that you are doing damage to him now. If you have resolved that issue, and he is no longer doing disrespectful things to you, then you need to forgive and let it go. If you cannot let it go, then you need to break up. Otherwise, if you keep bringing it up, at some point, he might just think that you're using it as an excuse to get out of having sex with him.

Unfortunately, he has committed such an offense as recently as last week... which really caused shit to hit the fan. I'm not the type of person to hold a grudge, but if I tell you I dont feel comfortable with something and you continue to do it then I can't be expected to ignore it... like if your girlfriend wanted to put stuff in your butt but you told her that's a firm no and she continues.. well then you probably won't want to have much sex with her for fear of unwanted butt action.

I'm very busy... Most people are. What you are implicitly telling him is that all the other things in your life (work, school, whatever it is you're busy with) are more important to you than (1) physical intimacy with him, and (2) his feelings on this matter.

I'm unfortunately much busier than most people, but only for another year or so, thankfully. I am in a very rigorous study program in addition to working many hours. He knows I'm busting my ass for our future. I've told him that this has to be my priority... hell it takes priority over my own needs as well. It's not something I like, it's just something that is. During breaks, when I have time to breathe, we've had a lot of sex to the point of him telling me he needs a break. I'm fortunate that he knows this is not an excuse, as he's seen the amount of stress I endure daily.

/r/DeadBedrooms Thread Parent