I got in touch with the crisis team (UK suicide helpline thing) my therapist and care-worker all ready know and have expressed I am not a danger to anyone. I'll be talking to them again about this soon and one of the therapists is putting me in touch with a sex psychiatrist that has experience with this stuff.

It doesn't excuse anything or make things right. I am still contemplating suicide and I do have a strong urge to act on it.

I don't want to be the way I am and the guilt and shame is crippling I don't want to be the way I am or have these fantasies, obtrusive thoughts or whatever it is. I am going to reach out first but I can only put up with this for so long.