I'm messy. That's a fact. It's something I've been coming to terms with. I'm in therapy, and was diagnosed with PTSD; that's a sum total of 3 hilariously compatible comorbid conditions. ADHD-C, SAD/MDD, and now...this.

I struggle a lot with my home environment. To be blunt, cleaning became a huge trigger for me; I only realized that this year through therapy, and that was hard enough to unpack. Realizing that it was something I was sort of "punished" with ("clean your room!" "ok" "Ugh, you're not even going to. You're lazy/sloppy/selfish and you always will be. You never do what you're told. I don't even know why I bother" then freaking out and starting to clean, only to be yelled at for "not doing a good enough job").

Now I'm working on breaking cleaning into smaller portions, making it more manageable. It's slow work, and right now I'm coming to terms with two things: 1. it'll take a good amount of time to get through, more than it might for other people since I have a lot of baggage surrounding it (both in being judged and in getting everything clean) and 2. My home is the only physical space that is mine, and it's the only location I actually feel safe.

This means, as a result, it's the last place I take people. Once I know that they're not going to judge me, or leave me, or make me feel awful, or accuse me of being "the worst", etc.

To be honest, I was never expecting to be in a relationship or for it to last as long as it has; my therapist has been helping me deal with both ,but I know I can't keep putting him off forever.

Do any of you have any words of wisdom, tips, etc...?

I know it's not rational, but...I've been hurt a lot in life. Abused, assaulted, locked in places I didn't want to be and kept from going into places I could hide to keep me safe. If I'm honest with myself, this is the only thing I have...it's the only place i get to decide, always, if I want to go in and out of, and who gets to come and go.

I've worked hard to make it a place that feels like home, and I'm afraid to let someone in who might hurt me that way. THis feels different than "hanging out", to me, and I don't know how to deal with that.

Obviously, I'm seeing a therapist and stuff, but if any of you lovely ladies have anxiety/depression/fellow super messy home advice, comfort, support, anything, I'd be grateful to hear it.

tl;dr: I'm messy in my house for a lot of reasons, and it's my "safe space", so I'm afraid to let my new boyfriend in (literally). He's been cool about it so far, but I don't know how to "speed the process" along for cleaning (and mentally prepping myself).