"I'm a shy girl teehee..."

You have no idea. I have a partner that I only have because we got together when I was less depressed and had less social anxiety, 9 years ago. We have what he would call a non relationship, because I can't. I can't spend time with him, can't have sex, can't go out and do things, can't do anything. I don't know why he is with me and think he will leave one day soon.

I leave the house once a week, for groceries. I have cut off and alienated every single one If my friends, my family, not by doing anything wrong or a shitty personality, but by disengaging, completely. If my partner left, I would talk to no one, see no one. Ever.

Yes, I'm a reasonably attractive female (but with my own physical issue that makes me embarrassed to be around people, to smile, to exist), and yes, I could have friends. I could go downstairs and have a real relationship with my partner right now, this second, or could even find a new partner maybe somewhat easily... on the surface there is nothing wrong with me.

But I fucking hate myself. Like, hate. I have the tiniest nugget of self esteem (and that revolves around my intelligence, and I guess my acting skills- before I had 100% sunk down into whatever this is, I was a pretty damn good actress, just local stuff obviously... but even then, it took everything to get me to audition, and every time I wasn't doing a play I'd crawl back in this hole). All I think about is what I'm not, what other people have that I don't. How I have literally nothing to offer to a conversation, to a person, to the world.

Every interaction with someone who isn't my partner is an anxious ordeal, and is 99% of the time avoided. I make sure I am never 1 on 1 with anyone even in the times where I'm doing a play and marginally social, because I know I can't carry the conversation and they will instantly see me for what I am, or they will pry too deep and ask anything at all about me, and see that I have no life. People think they want to get to know me, But trust me, they don't.

I don't feel human most of the time.

Society did not make me like this, did not give me social anxiety and extreme depression, it was not forced on me by the way I look. It is just part of who I am, something I will never break free of, something that will not change simply because society views me better. This is it for me.

I will be deleting this soon because, I don't know if he looks but, my partner doesn't need to see this shit.

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