Helloo u/boeys_
I am 16 and I really do understand your pain. I really do. I havent lost any close relatives but thats a short, little story that I'd like to tell you, a friend's story, my best friend's.
His father passed away when he was 3rd grader, he was a shy person already and that really made him collapse, I/we tried to be there for him but he refused any sorts of help, he got through this all by himself. He never had a good relationship with his mother, and his bigger brother(+10 years) was his only family member that was left for him. He got better but he wasnt the person that he was no more. He was shy, depressed, suicidal.
When we were 8th graders he was getting better. We all had friends and we were happy, we were having fun but then the high-school started. We split up. He was getting worse and worse. He had a gf though. He broke up shortly after. He was going through a lot, lot more than i could stand. He was alcoholic and suicidal. He started to not give a f*ck about us. One day last Christmas he was in a real bad shape. He was swearing at us two(me and the other best-friend) through group chat. We knew he was fucked up. We went to his house, knocked the door. It was his mom, unaware of anything. We didnt talk to her we just ran in. Opened his door, just to find him with a gun on table, drowning in his own tears, drinking again. He was real fucked up this time. We took the gun, called his bigger brother never told anything of those what we've seen.
I wasnt happy either, i was also suicidal but that day i've seen what my friends/family would've gone through if i've ended myself. This was enough to keep me living.
I loved a girl, and thus made me have a reason to live. I tried to be the best i could, and so my friend. I studied my lessons, went to the gym, and improved myself. Now am I the happiest person ever? Nah, not at all. But we have got over it.
Improve yourself, be the best you can be, set yourself a goal. Thats how you will get better, good luck u/boeys_ . We both have so much to see, live!