Its weird to read this, because after a period of doing really well for quite some time, yesterday I realized that I was right back in the same old rotten boat as you are. I could write almost the same things, and they sound just as insane in my head.
I didn't realize my smile was slowly fading, that people were starting to annoy me, when normally it would just brush off, that I was beginning to cringe at all of my own words as they sounded cheezy, cheap or just plain stupid coming out of my mouth. Everyone's personal anecdotes about their day bored me to tears, as I literally could not give a care if I wanted too. I just wanted to focus on my work and let all the people around me fade away.
I noticed alot of your post is about you, and obsessing about how you feel nothing matters. It's obvious to me that you think you matter, if you didn't, your woe as me thoughts wouldn't not be so prominent. Yet they are.
I try so hard not to think about myself because introspection only leads to tears and despair. A while ago, due to finding myself as low as I've ever been I decided that this was it, life was hard and sad and since I wasn't a special snowflake I was just going to focus on the task at hand and get through it. Who was I to expect that my life would be happy and problem free? I don't have cancer, I'm not dying, I'm not in some war torn country fearing for my life.
I could barely get out of bed, but I began to see work as a quiet meditation, a necessity. As much as I might find it a bore, its the one piece of day that structures the rest. I must show up, and I must be professional. There is a clear job description, and when it's done, I'm done. A job well done.
I realized the ambiguity of home life was destroying me, I need some pressure to get things done, or everything feels worthless, and I'm just so tired. I began to make some routines, coffee and a bagel in the morning, letting the dog out and feeding her at certain times. Watching Netflix in the evenings. Doing the dishes while listening to an audio book.
The happiness comes and goes, but the routines stay the same, as much as I possibly can.
Lately this quiet happy bubble was burst by this new co-worker that seems hell bent on making me her best friend by putting me down, insulting my boyfriend and my job, reminding me of how we used to be friends 10 years ago (it was one sided), flattering me and asking questions for and sharing deeply personal information. I feel molested by her tricky loaded question probes, I'm so confused right now. I dread going to work. Everything is bubbling back up, all of those old feelings. I don't want to be around anyone, I'm so tired, nothing seems worth it. I refuse to consider suicide, but I just feel so stuck, and looking ahead this mud pit stretches as far as the eye can see.
I did my first workout at the gym, and am planning on buying a three month pass. Would you be interested in joining me? If I can't get my quiet habits from work, I need to get them somewhere, and the gym could be that place. I need to embrace the pain of work and life. Running away is futile and never works.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. In some twisted way I'm glad to know that it's not just me being the only one off my rocker in a world seemingly full of happy successful people.