Can't even say I tried anything. A binder is about it.

To be honest, it doesn't matter if I'm cis or trans. I don't see myself in a relationship again. I don't see myself happy at all. That's... I mean, I guess to most that's sad but my life is mundane, boring and rather monotonous. I almost would go far enough to say I 'tried' the label to be less mundane. Pathetic, yeah?

I just realised that transition is a bunch of money blown when I won't even go out and do anything with it. I realised I wouldn't be happy either way. I'd be lying if I said I didn't just want to recluse and never see the public again, male or female, I'd be lying if I said I don't fit the 'binary gender expression' to the outside world (my hair is long, my fashion is questionable). I can't be androgynous with what I have (long hair and a girl face = female). I don't defy anything. I look typical.

At 21 I feel I should at least know myself enough. And I feel like this is the pettiest fucking issue, not knowing myself. My life is pretty much fine otherwise. Which makes me pretty sure all this has just been, well, a try-hard attempt to be unique. But the reality is, I was just putting on a different form of going through the motions. One with much more risk and harm that could come my way, but going through the motions.

I have the feeling of someone finishing a long series of books at the moment, discarding the label, but it'll fade like it has every other time before. A "that was interesting, but where is reality?" feeling. I'm back to looking in a mirror and seeing the same thing I did when I was anorectic, rather than trans. I'm back to a fuckload of confusion on who I am. I feel like my entire life should build up to something, and when I think I find it, I don't really and have to cast it aside. When one or two things going wrong on the path I tried to take seems too overwhelming, I know it's not okay. If I can say "if this happens, I would quit", I have to walk away from it.

It happens. It's a cycle. I'll be fine... or I won't, but I don't see being trans as making that a definitive 'will be fine' rather than a 'will or won't'.