Here you are: the rap poem. If you drive north from Glasgow, up the west coast of Scotland, along the top, and down the other side, visiting the distilleries in roughly the right order...

Kinclaith, Moidart Oban, Knoydart Inchmurrin and Nevis and Long Where Dornoch in the east no match For the sheer-cliff-faced Liathach And deep Loch Torridon

Campbeltown’s bell-end of Kintyre Hangs low along the coast From Scotia and Springbank in the shade To Tobermoray to drink Ledaig Glen Shira supped by Rob Roy’s ghost Where the Crow Road’s winding higher.

The breeze blows peat smoke over the hills Of Ellen and Bowmore, Fans wicker man flames on Summer Isle, The sun sets gold beyond the Kyles Of Bute, Lochalsh and Connalmore The A9 up Speyside to Aberlour Stop in Knockando for a dram or four Balvenie, Benrhinnes and Cragganmore.

Albyne and Goyne, Skiag Bridge Stac Pollaidh’s crusty, spiky ridge The A894 to Calbha Mor Craighouse on Jura and Barnhill Shore Where Orwell wrote 1984 Eddrachillis Bay at Drumbeg ‘Of a thousand islands’ it is said (Clouds of midges swarming round your head.)

Caol Ila distils in a beautiful spot Eagles cause Lochranza to stop Cause they nest almost on top of the pots. Back to the beaten track: The A90 to distilleries Benriach, Rothes and Balmenach And south-south-west from Stoer; Glenfiddich and Glen Grant Trotternish and Vaternish Corkeval and Healaval Allt-a-Vane and Daluaine Lochy, Lossie, Lant.

For Lowland try Bladnoch Rosebank and Garioch Macallan and Moray Scalpay and Islay Talisker for more whisky Glen Ord and Askaig Strathmill and Laphroaig Tomatin and Tomintoul Nearby on the Spey.

Longmorn and Mortlach The Inshore Road to Wrath Where underground at Durness; Smoo, Dhu, Eriboll and the rest And east again to John O’Groats Clynelish and Pulteney with the wildcats and the boats The water of life tastes more tame In Brora and Brackla Morangie and Tain Sip Scapa by the Lingro Burn Where Orphir Orkney pecks the sea Last but not least, it’s Highland Park’s turn Have a dram, you deserve it – slainte – on me!