My SO and I have been very close friends for years and it made the shift into a Romanic relationship a year ago, but she's more inexperienced in life than I am and nowhere nearby. Its been wonderful so far and she's the love of my life. We've talked marriage and kids and the white-picket fence and are planning a future together. Something i never saw myself doing, ever.
But going into this, I promised myself I wouldn't stop her from exploring things and seeing other people while we were physically apart. It'll be at least two to four years before we can properly be together (not just visits) due to money, uni, and work issues, so I feel bad if I stopped her from exploring her sexuality. She missed it in highschool thanks to controlling parents, and man, I was in her shoes just last year and had a hell of a good time. Did some stuff that ended badly, but i learned important things about myself from it and I don't want to take those experiences from her by being the Jealous, Selfish SO, no matter how badly I want to be. I trust her, and I trust us.
So I told her as long as she tells me what's going on, if she'd like to have sex with someone else, id be okay with it. People have physical needs. LDRs are hard. She seemed surprised, but said that she'd only be fine with this while we were apart, and that if I'd like to sleep with someone, shed be okay with it as long as I tell her.
Its turned out harder than expected, and it hurts so fucking much whenever she brings up wanting to do something with someone else (ie: planned times, the desire to.) and two months ago when she got close to it, I ended up crying. but I can't bring myself to be selfish with her or amend my statement. It feels... wrong, and I know the moment I tell her how much it hurts she wouldn't do it.
And on my end, multiple people have offered and at first i accepted one but i found that i couldn't go through with it. since then I've been turning them all down because I'm happy with what I have with her. Another weird feeling, because otherwise, id have jumped on the opportunity.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know if i should stick with my statement, or if I should wait until she actually does something with someone and then bring it up again, or if I should just tell her how much it hurts me.
Not as large a problem as all y'alls probably have but Still a weight on me.