But you're not taking chemotherapy, in fact that's the problem. You're not going to the professional help you need so it's like a cancer patient who doesn't fight the cancer, because they've given up already.

First of all, that's exactly how it is for many people, and that was the point I was trying to make, so thank you for understanding. I have actually tried several medications and various counselors and little therapy in the past, and it didn't help.

The frustration I was expressing at myself in the original post was because I know, cognitively, that i could and probably should try more solutions. I feel guilty about not trying more every day. But I am tired of fighting. I didn't have much "chemotherapy", so to speak, so I feel like when I talk about how I'm in pain and how badly I want to commit suicide, I'm not allowed to say those things, because I didn't try hard enough.

Soldier through it, make getting help your only purpose.

At this point, I don't want it anymore, not in the sense of getting treated. I just want all this to be over, and yet I'm too much of a ......coward? I'm not sure....to go through with it yet. I have to finish a few things before I can let myself attempt again, but in the past, I've chickened out. Maybe my "survival impulse" is still trying to stay alive in the back corner of my reptilian brain. :/

You haven't wasted anybody's time, nobody here who's talked to you feels that way.\ \

I constantly feel that way when someone like you comes around and tries to help me and offers all this good insight and valuable solutions, and I just brush it off saying what essentially amounts to\, "No thanks," And that is why I am sorry. i had another moment last night or this morning where I thought, "You know, everyone would be better if I were gone, becuase I'm such a terrible lazy person that I won't even try to fix a problem with myself so everyone else can be happy." But thank you. I'm glad you ame over here to tak.