Reminds me of this old diddy:

Antonin Scalia in Critical Condition after Rare Meatball Attack

FALLS CHURCH, VA - Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonin Scalia was rushed to Inova Fairfax Hospital to receive specialized treatment for a rare medical condition on Tuesday evening. The so called "meatball attack" had only been observed three times within living memory in the Washington D.C. metro region.

"It really is the damnedest thing," said Chief Surgeon Raj Rattanaman, "I mean instead of the typical human heart there's just this undulating ball of cholesterol, ground beef, tomato gravy, and cheese about the size of a Grizzly Bear's heart. And it's just not pumping blood at all."

Scientists aren't sure what causes meatball attacks. Dr. Rattanaman speculates that it takes a unique combination of genetics, obesity, bigotry, and hate. Still, he's quick to remind us that recent studies in the New England Journal of Medicine have shown strong correlations indicating those who watched Jersey Shore are at an increased risk of dying from the disease.

"From what we can tell, Justice Scalia's general practitioner really should have tested for the disease. He's a big, fat, mean, Italian son-of-a-bitch who hates minorities and gays. I mean, I don't know if he ever watched Jersey Shore or not, but I'll ask him once he regains consciousness," Dr. Rattanaman mused.

Thanks to methods pioneered in 2005 by Dr. Rattanaman at Inova Fairfax to save Dick Cheney when it was discovered he had no heart, Justice Scalia is expected to fully recover. "If anything, he'll probably live a lot longer with an artificial heart than he would have relying on that big, dirty meatball. With regular treatment and physical therapy, I see no reason why he shouldn't continue to keep American minorities down for another 50-60 years.