I'm tired. Just tired of all of this.


See when I started to gain weight, it wasn't my fault. Hear me out though. I was super active in high school being involved with 3 different sports (tennis, flag football, volleyball), a martial art twice a week, and running for enjoyment in my downtime. One day I started gaining weight and getting tired all the time. I started running more and replacing meals with shakes and salads slowly. Eventually I was running 3+ miles a day while living off of salads and low carb meals. The weight still kept coming on. By the end of my senior year after gaining 35 lbs, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (hereditary on my dad's side) due to my sister and father being diagnosed and my grandfather coming out as having it as well.

Everything from then on was my fault.

I gave up. For 1+ year I was gaining weight even after developing a mild eating disorder and couldn't understand why I couldn't stop gaining. My mom made comments all the time about my weight and called me lazy until I was diagnosed. Once that happened, I was just tired of trying anymore. I had no motivation. I didn't for years and blamed my illness as a way to not make a change. Serving helped keep my weight plateaued at 160 by walking anywhere from 4-8 miles a shift, still 35 lb heavier than I was. I started a sit-down job after college and gained even more because I was no longer exercising.

A few years ago I started running. I made slow life changes to how I ate and started calorie counting. My SO and I did more activities that involved us being active too, now we do races together. I hate that I let years go by wallowing in my own self-pity making every excuse to not make a change. I still take medicine for my hypothyroidism and it's always going to be harder for me to lose weight than other people, but you'd never know unless you knew me on a personal level. I no longer blame my illness or use it as a crutch. It's all on me what I do with my life and the quality that I want to live it.

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