the inside of my iPad case is made of old toothpaste boxes.

"Dear Former Inmate,

Your incarceration time was managed by PRISONER PROFITEERING CORPORATION to reduce cost to local governments and to provide an alternative revenue stream for the rich folks of this company. Please see your itemized bill below. Please note, our lobbyists have codified our desired business practices into law and there are no refunds, charge reversals or any kind of challenge to bill. In fact, you can't even file a class action lawsuit. Well, you can try, but we've got so much money you'd have to find an ethical and moral billionaire to fight for you as we drain your life savings 25 times over.

Rate Sheet:

  • Recognizing inmate as a profit source - $10,000
  • Toilet Paper Use (Bundle of 30 rolls - minimum billing ) - $300/month
  • Toilet Paper Handling Fee - $1/day
  • Cell Upgrade - Toilet - $35/day
  • Cell Upgrade - Mattress - $50/day
  • Cell Luxury Upgrade - Standard allergenic pillow - $5/day
  • Cell Medically Required Upgrade - Standard non-allergenic pillow - $175/day
  • Cell Luxury Upgrade - Sheets - $5/day
  • Cell Luxury Upgrade - Wool Blanket - $25/day (Note: Provided for free when internal cell temperature is expected to be below 65F for 3.25 hours or longer. You may optionally upgrade to a climate controlled cell.
  • Climate Controlled Cell - Air Conditioning and Heating - $75/day
  • Questions to Guards or Staff - $30/per occurrence.
  • Sentences spoken to you by Guards or Staff - $30/per occurrence.
  • Paragraph Discount ( 15 words or more in a single sentence, at at least 3 sentences in a row. Subject to the education level and discretion of the employee.) - Minus $15/per occurrence.
  • Compliments by you to our staff - FREE
  • Complaints by you to our staff - $150,000 per occurrence.
  • 3 Complaints or more by you to our staff - $250,000 per occurrence. Physical beatings and lawsuits by us suing you for "interference with a business."
  • Using the words and phrases of "civil rights", "rights", "constitution", "unfair", "corporations suck", all epitaphs, all slang, all profanity.
  • Unauthorized sex with other inmates: $15,000/per occurrence.
  • Authorized sex with other inmates (subject to applicable local law): $10,000/per occurrence ( Be sure to pick up the 3-pack and save $15,000!)
  • Authorized sex with other inmates (3-pack): $30,000/per occurrence (Consecutive - for concurrent, please choose the 3-way option)
  • Authorized sex with other inmates (3-way): $35,000/per occurrence.
  • Unauthorized sex with guards: $5,000/per incident
  • Authorized sex with guards: FREE (file a request with the Chief Revenue Creation Officer ).

    Based upon our tally, your total charge for 3 days is $1,250,000. Please note: State law prohibits us from providing you an itemized bill. The bill is due within 2 business days of receipt and a warrant for your arrest will be issued on the 3rd business day.

Thanks for being a customer of PRISONER PROFITEERING CORPORATION.



Revenue Creation Specialist

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