[IP] 100% Approval

I wanted to be the president when I was a kid. I saw him up there, all dressed up and important looking, and decided that he was the coolest person in the world and I wanted his job.

I set my life on it. i got degrees, cheated on tests and impressed the right people to get to the place I wanted to be. Looking back, I don't know how I got through school- luck must just be my friend, I guess.

On that fateful morning, I woke up to be told I had one the election and would become president shortly. The ceremonies were had, people were really nice to me, I got free champagne and was sworn in as President of the United States.

Three months later, I decided I didn't want this job.

It wasn't how I imagined it would be. I thought it would be parties and speeches and making the occasional law, but it's really just paperwork, paperwork and annoying secretaries. Sure, I met the leaders of countries around the world, such as Tony Abbot (really stupid, don't know how he got there) and some other people whose names I couldn't be bothered remembering. When I realised I didn't want this job, I couldn't exactly quit, being the president has its drawbacks and this was one of many. I could, however, be impeached- if a majority of the house of people that represent didn't like me, I was free to go with a nice yearly salary and a house.

That brings us to today. Sitting in my office, passing time, reading the wikipedia article for auto-erotic asphyxiation when my darling secretary Georgia comes in.

"Hello, Mr. President. I-"

"Shut your fucking mouth, Georgee, before I slam my fist into your teeth and make your shit the envy of the tooth fairy."

"Uh- I-"

"Run along."

She left, with a few tears in her eyes. Sweet young girl, I almost felt bad for her. She was pretty cute, maybe I should be nice to her and get in her pants.

As I was reaching for the intercom to call her back in, three men burst through the door holding the poor girl- although, her hair looked to be a different colour, and she wasn't wearing the normal Georgia confused-excited-happy look. She was handcuffed, scowling, and being treated very roughly.

"And what do you think you're doing? Bursting into my office, throwing around this woman, I should shoot you now before the court can save your sorry asses."

I pulled out the huge revolver thats been in my top desk drawer ever since I got the job. Every president has had a revolver as his personal protection weapon ever since the job was founded, although the public weren't supposed to know.

"Sir, this woman was found with a syringe containing cyanide, and looked to be moving towards this room. You're lucky she hadn't already tried to kill you."

Wow, she's an assassin? What's fucking next? I'm the president, I should be out doing dope shit and pissing of the Empire State Building and having fun, not listening to some fat bitch drone on about economics and taxes and other bullshit.

"Holy shit, really?"

"Yes sir, I'm just glad we-"

"I don't care what you think. Piss off and bring me the the Military Commander."

"Sir, do you mean-"

"Shh. Talking time is over. Bring me the man that controls the missiles and soldiers and stuff."

"Y- Yes sir."

The other two men dragged the psycho bitch away, and I thought about what I would do. Pissing off bodyguards and treating secretaries like shit wouldn't get me implummed, I needed an actual even that would get me thrown out of office and into that jacuzzi in my new house.

"Sir, you wanted to see me?

"Sit down, Jim. I've been thinking."

"Very good sir."

"I want to start a war."

"Sir, as the person that controls all military hardware and personnel, I couldn't agree more."

"What country are we friends with the most?"

"Most? That used to be North Korea, til the little fat kid took over his dad's office, and I don't think we could count a few others as allies, so I think our best friend at the moment would be Australia."

"Australia? With the faggot PM and inflated video game prices? Fuck them. Lets nuke them."

"They supply us with wool and beef."

"Then take the wool machines and beef factories and nuke them."

"I'll get right on it, sir."

Well, thats it, my first big decision as President. What next? Oh, of course, one of the reasons I took this job, laws.

"Bring me that guy who represents the other guys!" I yelled to no-one in particular.

"You mean Nancy Pelosi?"

"That the Julia Gillard one?"

"Yes sir."

"Yeah, her."

After five minutes of looking at doggy porn, she arrived.

"Hello Mr. President, I was told you wanted to see me?"

"Yeah, I want to change some laws."

"Well you see, Mr. President, it is actually a long process involving many houses and discussions abou-"

"I don't give a FUCK, bring me the piece of paper where I write a law and let me do it."

"Sir, there isn't-"

"Make one! Goddamn it, it's like I'm surrounded by monkeys! Where's that black guy I hired as a jester?"

"He quit, sir."

"He can't quit, he wasn't getting paid. Find me a new one."

"Slavery is abolished, sir."

"Well bring it back! Mancy, get me paper for that too!"

"Sir-"

"Oh, get lost already."

This is getting boring. Why can't I do the things I want? I'm the president.


TWO WEEKS LATER


"Sir, the missiles are primed. I do, however, have to tell you that absolutely everyone in parliament disagrees with this move and doing this will inevitably get you impeached."

"Fuck them."

"Very well, sir. I'll give the order."

"Good."

Finally, after two weeks of badgering assistants and telling people to investigate the Russian assassin I was ready to start a full-scale war with the land down under. A little bit of doubt began gnawing at my stomach, but I ignored it, and watched the livestream of the missiles being fired.

"Send a message to the Prime Minister of Australia."

"Yes, sir?" Wendy. Third one since Georgia.

"Tell them, 'I've launched missiles at you. Prepare your anus'."

"Sir?"

"Don't question me, wench, do it."

"Yes sir."

The missiles finally were ready to go, and things were going smoothly. Once everything was in place, the red button on my desk blinked lightly.

"Ready for your command, sir"

I pressed the button.


SEVERAL DAYS LATER


The fallout from the explosion was huge. Not a single upside-downian survived, a feat I'm proud of, and it's only a matter of time before I get that sweet sweet jacuzzi.

"Sir, why didn't you tell us?"

"What?"

"The reason that you attacked Australia? We just decrypted the Australian governments files from the Deep Web, and found all the plans to attack the U.S! They were right there, hidden beneath multiple firewalls and proxies, yes, but who could possibly be that stupid as to put government secrets online?"

"What secrets? What plans?"

"You don't need to act dumb with us, sir. We-"

"Who are you people?"

"The N.S.A. When you sent those missiles flying into hostile territory, it was our job to make sure you had a reason to do it or else you might have gotten impeached. And we found it! I don't know how you got access to it at all, but all the plans were there- Sydney Opera House being the launch site, it was genius."

"They wanted to attack us?"

"Yes, but don't worry, we've made sure the plans knowledge was circulated to the media, so everyone knows that you weren't being an idiot!"

At that moment, I realised I had possibly done the biggest, most fortunate thing ever. And all I could think was:

"Fuck"

I'm going to leave it here, cos its midnight and I'm tired. Sorry for any problems with American politics, I'm not American, so most of the information was quickly googled a minute before I used it.

If you want me to continue the story, I probably will, but only if there's interest. And sorry for it being so long.

/r/WritingPrompts Thread