Thanks for all your help, this is the kind of advice I always hope to find on reddit but never do.
You are occupying a position of a pathological self-critic. Why do you suppose you're doing this?
I'm thinking about it, and in a lot of ways I do still hate my ego (not consciously, this just surfaced). I hate that I keep getting fooled by it. Seriously, I've been sucked into false prophets so many times, I used to watch Ancient Aliens for crying out loud. I hate it because I've been so sure of things in the past that ended up leading to so much unnecessary suffering, and sometimes irreparable damage. And I also hate it because it's hurt other people. I can be arrogant and fuck people over, and also I can get angry and say shit to people that they'll never forget. So to answer your question, I hate it because I fear what it has/can/will do to me and others.
Why would you need to believe in enlightenment if you have validated faith in its immanence?
You're right that I can confirm a higher state of being just by looking back at my previous experiences, so I guess I don't doubt enlightenment as much as the part of me that's seeking it. Seeking it out of fear. Hoping it will come along and save me or something. And it's dawning around me that I might squander my life away searching. I've seen plenty of aging hippies that confirm that this is a very real possibility.
So are you done suffering, or not?
In a way, no. I still want to play around in my little dream for a while longer. I'm 24 and roughly as horny as porcupine and I want to fuck as many women as I possibly can before I get old, flaccid and unattractive. Fairly smart too and I want to see how that works out for me. Most of my childhood I was an outcast, and recently I've become really respected by most of the people around me. Seems like I finally have a shot at a normal life. If suffering is an illusion anyways, and we're all destined for enlightenment, I might as well have my fun right?
So option A just let go of everything and live under a bridge or with my parents (I can't afford an Ashram), and then have it all be in vain, not find a goddamned thing. Or option B stay here in Candyland work my ass off until I'm rich and can descend into self-serving and hedonism.
But in a way, yes, I'm done suffering. I know all of that would turn to ashes the minute it reached my mouth (if it did reach my mouth). That's already happening. And every time I forget about enlightenment, some strange force smacks me in the face. I loose everything I care about. I suddenly fail. People stop respecting me. And my illusion falls away and this path comes back into focus. And I walk for a while, and things get better. And then I get cocky again. Then the whole cycle repeats. And I'm tired of this shit. What will I loose next? An arm? A family member? What's it gonna take? Will it all be in vain? What have I gotten myself into? The stakes seem high and the odds low, but I can't turn back either because I know it's all in vain. I'd be living a lie and I'll just end up in a vortex of meaningless suffering and regret. So you're right, I'm resisting my illusory self, but I'm also scared of what will happen if I let go.