I totally understand. I had a bad ex for 9 years. Almost a decade, like you. That is a LONG freaking time! Sometimes I get so mad at myself for all that time I wasted.

How long has it been since your bad relationship ended? Mine ended in 2009 and over the years the need to talk about it/him and getting upset about the things that happened during that time have lessened a lot but haven't totally stopped. Every once in awhile I still have nightmares. I am married now; when we first got together I talked about my ex a lot so that my husband would understand where I was coming from and to give a little context about where I was at emotionally. My husband was totally fine with it. But, like you, I worried a lot that I was talking about it too much. So I stopped bringing it up unless it was a "one off" story that wasn't too heavy. Even then I couldn't help being afraid that he might think I was still carrying a torch for my ex or that I was too consumed by that old relationship to be fully present in a new one. My husband never got upset or complained about my talking about the ex but I couldn't help worrying that it might be hurting him. Does that make any kind of sense?

But the reality is that we NEED to talk about these things. We need a way to acknowledge the things that have happened to us because there is no other way to move forward. Next week I have an appointment with my GP to (finally) address my increasing anxiety and depression. I know that it doesn't totally extend from that relationship (the last 7 years have been pretty good on the whole) but I believe that its still lurking in the background and causing problems. So I am looking forward to (hopefully) being referred to a therapist that I can talk about and resolve the feelings about that relationship that I'm still carrying around. I really think that talking to an unaffiliated third party is something I really need to do.

I wish I had more useful advice for you but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. Dealing with a bad ex isn't easy; it would be nice if the insecurity and pain and sadness and anger had gone away with him. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way and people like you and me still have to process those emotions somehow. Talking about it helps. I am hopeful and optimistic that some day I will be able to set this down.