I’ll try to offer some insight. There are parallels in what you have written with myself. Although I’m much older than you, the challenges you have dealt with and have described dealing with are the same as mine.
Depression - that is a mean bastard. I tend to view it two ways, one I’ve experienced while the other I continue to deal with.
There is a phase everyone tends to go through, it’s the “I’m depressed, life sucks, nothings going right for me, etc. After a few weeks a individual turns a corner, things are brighter and the person moves forward.
The other depression, I’ve lived it for over 15 years and manage it today. Obviously I’m not a medical professional, I’m a simple man who had to deal with multiple issues.
Everything started about 27 years ago, I was and am married to a wonderful understanding women. I began to suffer from what is called “Cluster Headaches”. These headaches are also known as the Suicide Headache, the reason is, the pain is so bad individuals commit suicide to stop the pain. One can not compare the level of pain of a migraine to a cluster headache, it’s apples vs oranges.
After about 10 years, I didn’t recognize it, I was sliding into a deep depression. Looking back I closed myself off to friends and family. It didn’t happen overnight or over months it was slow. I was receiving medical help from neurologist and pain management. But having 3 - 4 cluster headaches a day it tore me down mentally and physically.
I then got hit with another medical issue about 10 years ago. A Orthopedic surgeon advised me I had degenerative disc disease, the future was not promising. I slipped deeper into depression.
Then in 2014 I was experiencing pain which I can’t place into words. I meet with a different Orthopedic surgeon. He told me there was nothing that could be done for me. The pain I had been experiencing will only get worse.
The Orthopedic surgeon was aware of the 24+ years at the time I’d suffered with headaches, and about 10 years of back pain. He told me the truth, he should have realized with all the medications I was taking a more humane way to deliver the news.
I went home and gave a lot of thought to my future, I didn’t see one. I was at the very bottom of depression. There was never a thought of why me, or looking for pity from others, I had shut down years before. People would be genuine in their feelings and compassion. At the same time I felt it was unfair to place my problems on them, I viewed it as, everyone has problems.
The next day I was at home, after giving much thought to my situation I decided suicide was my only option. My wife and two sons would be financially secure for their entire life’s.
I was literally minutes from performing the act when a phone call came, to this day I ask why did I answer it. On the other side was my pain management confirming my appointment for the next day. I really don’t know why but I went to the appointment. It’s there when I told the pain doctor what I was going to do, and the reasons why.
He stood up, asked me to stand, he then wrapped his arms around me and said “I got you”.
He took immediate steps to adjust my pain medications, for the first time placed me on anxiety and depression medications. All he asked of me was to give him my word for two weeks not to do anything rash.
He then called me every day for two weeks, unknown to me until years after, he called my wife and had a private meeting with her explaining what I’ve been dealing with. He also contacted the Mayo Clinic and sent all my MRI’s, X-rays comments. Finally the medication started to work but the the very most important thing which happened was I had “hope”.
Why did I take this time to explain in depth how events can place a person into the very darkest place within the mind where depression is the Black Mamba resides. Hope.
Don’t give a shit what you may feel others think. Reach out, get some support. Friends are great, but they tend to tell you what you want to hear.
Drugs, sounds like you’re doing a great job stopping them. Been there too, except mine were prescribed. At one point I was taking around 355mg of morphine a day. Then I said enough, I’ll take the pain, but I won’t allow drugs to control my life.
Take care, keep your head high!