I've been on a 2-week bender after vowing to never drink again 2 weeks ago. I think I'm going to seek professional help today. I can't do this any more.

the most successful plan to fixing our drinking habits is one that we are actually enthusiastic about.

What a strange feeling I have right now. I went to talk to a detox center the other day. I was, and still am, as enthusiastic as anyone could be about going to detox. I didn't realize that they would want me to start RIGHT AWAY. I get it, but I didn't have my affairs in order to take off that amount of time from work. I was just trying to get more information and find out what was right for me. When they tried to admit me right away, I struggled with telling them no because I actually wanted to. I almost said, "fuck my job, I'm just going to do this"... (I know FMLA is a thing, but I need the income). That's not the thing though. What's really messing with my head is that when I declined to be admitted, that I was told by a substance abuse professional to essentially keep drinking until I'm ready to detox. It was phrased as "We recommend that you don't try to detox on your own, because quitting is sometimes more dangerous than temporarily continuing to drink". I've manipulated myself into drinking so many times, and then. just like, got the greenlight to do it by a professional when I honestly don't want to any more. Now that I don't feel like drinking everyday, I kind of feel like I have to now! lol. Not really. But, it was disappointing to realize that, to professionals, it sounds best for me to "not detox" on my own. I still genuinely don't even want to drink right now, but that took a lot of wind out of my sails and I'm keeping some alcohol on standby. I haven't drank it yet, and that in itself is something else. There have been times when I said that I don't want to drink any more and "meant" it for one reason or another. But I literally do not want to drink right now because I simply don't want to. Either way...

I got news today that will make it very easy for me to go to detox for about a week. It's going to be a little while out, but the fact that I have sustained this willingness (wantiness) for 2 weeks, despite my actions in the past 2 weeks, makes me hopeful. The past 3 or 4 days makes me know that I can quit mentally. Talking to professionals these past 3 or 4 days is what makes me weary of not having some alcohol on hand. Apparently, from my level of usage, I could have seizures and die if I stop drinking, so that kind of sucks. It also kind of sucks that I won't be able to go to detox for, at this point, an unknown amount of time. But hopefully I can take this same level of willingness into it when I do.

In the mean time, I will order "The Naked Mind" when I get paid tomorrow. It's going to take me a little time to get my ducks in a row for inpatient detox, but I have never, ever been any more serious about not drinking. Not even close. Even that professional giving me the green light to keep drinking isn't going to stop me from cutting back until I can do a real detox.

/r/stopdrinking Thread Parent