OP I'm not ganna lie to you and say I can completely relate to what you have felt and are feeling because I can't. I can however relate to being so depressed it is hard to feel anything outside of yourself. I've had parts of my life, fucking full years, when all I could honestly feel was a desire to not feel anything at all because all I could feel was horrible. Getting to a point where I started to feel indifferent about the impact of ending life was a changing point for me. I mean, I really hated it. The only thing I could feel was a desire to end everything. But what happens after everything is over? Nothing happens, it's over. Is that really better though? Nothing at all? I chose feeling terrible over nothing. Then I decided that like holy fuck man feeling terrible all the time sucks dick. I was too scared to look for professional help so I turned to psychology to see if I could fix my own brain myself. I learned that facial expressions can actually change how your brain processes emotion from a study I read about where patients had to hold pens in their mouths. Biting a pen behind your canines forces your facial muscles to make a smile, and your brain seriously can't tell the difference between a genuine smile and a fake one brought on by biting a freakin' pen. Smiling alters your brain chemistry, your body releases chemicals that make you feel better when it thinks your happy. And you can trick your body into thinking your happy. Op, you can fake being happy and still reap every benefit of actually being happy. At first when I was doing this like yea, I felt really stupid. I wasn't happy deep down but honestly I wasn't AS miserable as I was before. After a while, after so many days filled with fake smiles and feeling like a plastic barbie doll, I actually found it. I actually got better. I'm happier OP. It took some work but holy shit it can actually happen. Finding happiness feels so much better then misery, and it feels a million times better then nothing at all. Op if you're really at the end, what do you have to lose? You are a real person with real emotions, even if they kind of suck dick right now. You have the power to change that. Please don't choose to be miserable or feel nothing at all, there are so many better things you could be feeling and there are so many experiences you are never going to have if you give it all up for literally nothing.