I just accidentally deleted this whole thing after typing 90% of it because I decided I didn't want it on my usual account. So here I go again typing the whole story out. It's my first time telling it to anyone so it's a big deal for me.
This is the story of how I hurt my best friend and realized I was a selfish asshole.
I was really close with a girl I met in 8th grade. We can call this girl J, since her name started with J. We were best friends. We had similar interests and lots of mutual friends. She laughed at all my jokes and I loved making her laugh and entertaining her.
One day I was talking our mutual friend, lets call her M because her name started with M. M told me that J liked me. She wanted to know if I felt the same way.
Being that this was 8th grade and I had only dated one girl before and hadn't even hugged her. So dating was new and exciting to me. So I told M "Sure, I kinda like J, but I don't know if I want to go out with her."
Why the hesitation? Because even though J was funny, spontaneous, selfless, creative, talented, genuine, affectionate, and smart, she was also overweight. Not terribly obese, but noticably bigger than everyone else, and enough to be a deal breaker for 13 year old me.
But at the same time I was desperate for a girlfriend, so my mind played it all up as a great idea, convincing myself in my head that she wasn't as big as she actually was and any other worries that I had. Also, she was my best friend, so I knew I got along with her really well already so that wouldn't be an issue.
Unfortunately M had a bit of a one track mind, so all she heard in my answer was yes. And she was determined to get me to ask out J. I didn't want to do it, but M convinced me that I could just write "Hey J, will you go out with me?" on a page in my notebook and when I was ready I could tear it out and give it to her. I wanted to get M off my case so I wrote it, but didn't plan on giving it to J. She was my best friend, but I didn't want to date her.
The girl I had dated previously had also been a bit bigger, and I had people call her a cow and say that I was a chubby chaser. Never to her face, but I didn't want to hear it. So I wasn't stoked to date J, because I didn't want to repeat my previous experience.
Unfortunately as soon as I had finished writing the words in my notebook M grabbed it and ran to J. She showed her and J seemed pretty excited. I didn't want to date her, but she was my best friend, and I had played it up in my mind enough to think it would be better than the previous relationship. So I didn't say anything. I just went with it. And for the first couple days everyone was happy.
None of the other guys said anything at first because they were friends with J too. But after a week or so I was hearing everything about me being a chubby chaser, and that my girlfriend was ugly or a cow. It hurt because it ruined my 13 year old reputation, and also because this was my best friend they were talking about. I never told her about any of this.
It was toward the end of the school year, and I had stopped hanging around J as much as before. We were still technically together but we spent very little time together. I was avoiding her. I kept saying I was really busy at home. I wanted to be out of the relationship as soon as I could, so when summer vacation started I told her that we weren't seeing eachother enough to date and that we should probably break up. I think I really let her down that day. We didn't talk at all over the summer.
In grade 9 we were in the same class again and I didn't know what to expect. But right away we started talking again and soon enough we were best friends again. We didn't mention that we had tried dating and we just went on being happy to be friends. To this day I keep a note that she wrote me in grade 9 that says "I'm so glad we're still friends considering everything that has happened."
I dated a bunch of girls during the next couple years. Nothing real. They all broke up with me within the first couple weeks of dating. I complained to J all the time that it was unfair. She listened and never brought up that I had completely avoided her while we dated. She is seriously the most selfless person I ever met. We texted all the time because I went to a different school in grade 10.
She always listened to my problems and I always told jokes and she laughed and all that. She never brought up any of her problems, which is amazing in retrospect because she clearly had some heavy shit going on at home while we were in grade 9. I never heard about it though. I don't think it was a trust issue, I think she just wanted me to be as happy as possible so she never brought up her problems. And I never mentioned them because I'm an asshole.
It seemed my luck with girls had run out around the middle of grade 10, and an album had just been released by a band that me and J really liked. It was her favourite band. Every time I listened to the songs I started thinking of her. She was on my mind all the time and I was single. Being the narcissist I was I convinced myself she was in love with me. She hadn't dated anyone else the whole time.
Then one day I was talking to her about the band, and she mentioned a guy she had a crush on. It was probably the first time she brought up anything about herself. And I wasn't really happy about it. I was in the process of convincing myself me and her should be together.
The next day I texted her and said I needed to tell her something. I told her how the music made me think of her. And how I felt I had to act when she said she had a crush on someone else. I invited her to meet me for coffee a few weeks later and asked her out. Once again I was dating this girl who had been an amzing friend to me and who I had done nothing for except tell some mediocre jokes. I didn't deserve a friend like that.
We went on one date. It was a movie, and she wanted to see 21 Jump Street. I checked the showtime for the wrong theatre and we ended up going at the wrong time and had to see The Lorax instead. She had already seen it, and I did feel bad, but she never mentioned it. We ended up sitting in the bookstore for a while after.
None of my new friends had seen her so they couldn't bug me about her weight. But I still thought about it all the time and I wasn't really physically attracted to her. It's terrible because she was the sweetest girl I've met in my life. And definitely the most selfless. A beautiful personallity. But I couldn't get over her appearance, and it's terrible because she had a pretty face, but I just obsessed about her weight. I never mentioned it to her though.
Eventually I just stopped texting her. We didn't go to school together so she was easy to avoid. Weeks later I texted her and told her I wanted to break up. I think she was expecting it, and she just asked why I had waited so long. I lied and said I wanted to be sure. But really I just couldn't bring myself to break up with her again, and I couldn't come up with a very good excuse.
Facebook status went back to single. We continued to not text eachother, just like when we were dating. I don't know what I expected to happen. A little while later I found that note that she had given me when we started being friends again in grade 9. "I'm really glad we're still friends after everything that happend." I wasn't really looking for it. I decided maybe I should message her on Facebook. That's when I realized she'd unfriended me. My heart sank.
Suddenly I realized how much I had meant to her. And how much I had taken. I realized that I had dug up all those old feelings when I asked her out the second time, and how I tore them away so quickly when I stopped talking to her and broke up with her. How I had ruined her chances with that other guy she liked. I realized how selfish I was. It's been three years since then. I haven't talked to her at all. I realized how parasitic I was in our relationship, and that I had nothing to offer her. So I never reached out to say I was sorry. I figured she had chosen to remove me from her life and I didn't want to bring any of the feelings up.
That band came to our city and I still really liked them. So I went to see the show. It was nearly impossible to find someone to go with and I had to reach out to people I hadn't seen in years. I saw J when I was at the show. I'm sure she saw me too. She walked right by. I felt bad, but I didn't expect anything else.
Three years. I still think of her. I got really lonely and depressed in grade 11 and 12. I realized that she had been the only person that I had been able to talk to about my problems. That's when I started to really realize how much of an asshole I was.
Honestly this is probably detailed enough that if she reads it she'll know, and in that case I'm sorry. I'm terrible. I'm obviously not proud of this.
No one died, and nothing illegal was done, but I've been so ashamed that I never mention her when people ask about my exes because I can't bring myself to tell anyone that I broke up with someone because of their weight.
I date people based entirely on their looks now. I end up dealing with some really difficult personalities, but somehow I've convinced myself I can love a pretty face with a good body and a shitty personality. So now I date physically attractive people with tons of baggage, knowing I had the girl with the most beautiful soul. For me it's not what's inside that counts. But I've never admitted that. "I've done things I'm not proud of."
TL;DR I dated my best friend twice, but broke up with both times because I thought her weight made her unattractive, and just made excuses instead of telling the truth. I broke her heart, was a terrible friend, ruined her chances with another guy, lied, and I was an asshole. I still am an asshole. I date girls for their looks and manage to tolerate their personality if they're pretty enough.