Jesus man. My mind has exploded. I cant move or think, my speech is severely delayed. My heart is racing. I will not sleep tonight. I cant tell people because then ill keep feelijg like this. I am really scared to actually pull the trigger. Its fucking terrifying and hard to do because ive tried before but i was sober. This time i will get drunk and hopefully i can do it and end this pain. If i live any longer than a day or two, i will eventually get caught because i am so incapable of behaving the way i normally do. Again i am sorry, i have been depressed and alone my whole life, its not changing. I need to do this. I wish people would let me die non violently instead of making it harder and more painful for me. Wow i csnt think right now, worst i have ever felt