I can't quite get the angle here. Is it a parody or is it funny in itself? Maybe it's all in the delivery?? I guess that's it. I don't want to discourage you. I don't think I really 'get' it, I'm not the target audience I guess. I'm going to criticise it pretty harshly from my point of view, as a piece of writing, but please don't read on if you don't want the opinion of someone who didn't get it. Who knows, on SNL/30 Rock maybe this script could work perfectly.
I'm going out for lunch now, Stephen. Yes, I know its not very busy today, but the gynecology industry is very fickle.
The 'yes... but' makes it sound like offstage Stephen is disagreeing with our protagonist going out for lunch now, presumably by saying something like 'It's not very busy today, don't go out for lunch,' which makes no sense. And what is the gynecology industry? Would you say 'the surgical industry'? What does its fickleness have to do with this person going for lunch?
It genuinely took me some time to parse that the protagonist is saying 'it's not very busy today', so we can lead on to the reason for the lack of custom. OK. It would be better to say
I'm going out for lunch now, Stephen. It is not very busy today - the gynecology industry is so fickle.
In your own style. Then we hear the reason:
A simple "he doesn't wash his hands" rumor can just be devastating. I mean, they look clean, right? (Smells his hands.) Oh, Mrs. Johnson, what is wrong with your vagina?
Doctors wear gloves. Where is the joke here? Is the joke that he doesn't wear gloves? Or that he doesn't wash his hands? Or that he smells his hands to check their cleanliness? Or that vaginas have a smell, which stays on hands? And then Mrs. Johnson comes out of nowhere, and he immediately says 'what is wrong with your vagina'! Is she naked? No, that's just his way of greeting her. Is this man really a doctor? Surely even a comedically incompetent one would never say something like that as a greeting without something causing him to react like that. This is man, remember, who has presumably spent his whole career dealing with female reproductive issues. The whole paragraph amounts to an unbelievable barrage of grossness without a punchline.
Oh, hello Jennifer, oh Roxanne, yes I meant to say Roxanne.
Is this a different woman? OK, he got her name wrong. He doesn't care about women. Or he doesn't care about his patients, who are all women. Fine.
How are the old beef curtains doing?
Again! Why is he talking like this?? Does he think it's funny? Are we supposed to think it is funny?
I'm not saying euphemisms for genitals are not funny. But when they are funny they are usually funny because of CONTEXT. 14 year olds always find references to genitals funny, because they have been brought up to believe that there is no context where it is possible to say things like that. As adults we know that it is perfectly possible and common to talk to women using objectifying terms to refer to parts of their body. Usually it's used to make fun of women, and is funny when they seem to deserve it. In this case, without knowing anything about the women, honestly it just makes the protagonist sound like a sex offender.
Also, is this set in a world where, as a professional, he could get away with any of this? I feel like it is supposed to be set in the real world, because:
What's this here? You're suing me?
OK, this makes sense, he would definitely get sued if he talked to a patient like that. Although, what exactly have they just said to him/given him? Surely the normal way to initiate a suing is not to go to the person and inform them you are going to sue them? Wouldn't your lawyer send them a letter or something? Or are they just threatening to sue him? What do they have to gain from that? Would they not just go to a different doctor?
(With a look of self determination.)
I think this should be just determination.
Heh. Ha. HA. HA! (Slight pause, breaks down, emotional.) No please don't do this, please don't sue me.
Action in drama usually operates via the principle of call and response. Characters do not change without something external to cause the change. You need Jennifer to respond to his laughter in a way that causes him to pause and then break down.
I've made a huge mistake! Can't someone make one mistake in their lives? I mean, you're not perfect, how many mistakes have you made today? 7? 8? Start with when you decided to wear a white shirt with black pants, you look like a half eaten Oreo. Ok I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult your shirt, white is a wonderful color, its actually my favorite kind of Mountain Dew.
What the fuck. Half-eaten oreo? Are they black at the top too? Is she black? Is this a joke about black people wearing white shirts? I'm starting to feel like a SJW here, believe me that's not my intention. If it was funny it would be fine, to me. But it's not. It makes no fucking sense. Also, white is not a colour. Horrible segue to mountain dew.
What? They stopped making it?
Someone responded to his emotional breakdown by immediately saying that they don't make that type of soft drink any more? That makes no sense whatsoever. It could be funny in itself but we dont hear anyone say it so it's not.
But how will I go up to women and ask if they want a squirt of my White Dew?
Nobody would ever say 'would you like a squirt of my' ANYTHING to a strange woman unless they meant sex, so its not a joke. He literally just uses gross sexual euphemisms as pick-up lines on random women.
Ok, I'm sorry. If you could just listen to my version of the facts, you would understand. Yes, I put my pocket watch inside of your fur burger. But it was only way I could think of to regulate your periods! I even left the chain dangling out so you could adjust for daylight savings time. And that watch wasn't cheap you know, lead watches are a collector's item.
Everything I said above, but worse. He's made it to being a doctor. The whole joke of Dr. Spaceman/Dr. Nick is, they're incredibly stupid, how did they become doctors?? But they're stupid. This guy doesn't seem stupid. A stupid doctor wouldn't try to convince these women not to sue him, because that implies an understanding of consequences. I feel like he knows that this watch stuff is not the correct treatment, But he does it anyway for some reason? For what reason? Is he insane? He sounds like a psychopath. This monologue would make sense if Buffalo Bill was reading it. I'll stop there. I feel like you're a good writer, but this subject matter, for me, is not good.