I think I feel betrayed. Looking back - bear with me - thinking out loud as I type...
Wishing I didnt know now what I didnt know then, kind of a thing.
These guys targeted me. No father. I had a single crazy mom. No brothers or sisters. Juvenile delinquent. Teen alcoholic. Dumb as shit. Horny and looking for an adventure.
They brought me in to do yardwork. Gave me real simple easy jobs to do and paid me stupid amounts of money. Were always real jock-like touchy feely guys. "You should take off your shirt Will, its so hot out...". All the personal questions. Always bringing me a cold beer after I did hard work like - dragging the empty trash cans up from the bottom of the driveway?? Back rubs. Friendly "big brother" jock kind of stuff - but they were older than my mom.
Then the day they got me drunk and everybody's dicks came out. I remember realizing that - "oh shit...this is gay this is really the real gay stuff this is what gay means this is gay sex I knew they were gay but this crazy gay way to much for me - whoa look at his dick" - and all of the "two gay guys are having sex with me" went away and turned into a horny 16 year olds sexual adventure..." The fun of the sex overshadowed the age difference. I wasnt a "kid". I was "bro" or "dude" to them. WTF is that? 30 years older than me.
I had a couple porn magazines...a couple little girlfriends but no sex other than handjobs. I was horny as fuck. So its NOT the sex acts or the "gay" part of it. I knew they were boyfriends and they didnt hide it from anybody. They didnt flaunt it, but it wasnt a secret.
I looked back on them as my secret older friends and always felt very warmly about them and the experiences. But they werent really my friends.
I can see now that they targeted me. They groomed me over a couple of months. They wanted to fuck a young guy so they targeted me and groomed me and then fucked me. I was their sex toy. I wasnt their "younger buddy that liked to fuck". I was their victim.
It feels like a betrayal looking back at them in that light. They were almost 30 years older than me. They knew that in a lot of different ways, what they were doing was absolutely wrong. They had to have.
Look, this isnt really a problem for me. I am not wasting any more time on it than these posts. It was a great experience for me - even if I was "abused" by these guys. I can honestly say that these guys truly did mentor me for almost a year. I got my shit together. Took a job in a different state as soon as I turned 17 and split.
But while they were mentoring, they were taking turns on my asshole.
Life goes on. Life experiences. You meet good people. You meet shitty creeps that will fuck you. I'm not bothered by this but its just something that I needed to work out and come to terms with. Ive put about 20 minutes into it and Im good.