Tbh dude it's a really complicated thing. She lives in MD, I'm in MI. I've met her once in my life, and that was the day I told her how I felt. You're sorta on the right page, though. Her "no" always included a thing that made me think it wasn't a no. I mean it wasn't a "no" at all. And it was intertwined with things that were the opposite. It was stuff like
"I don't want long distance"
"I'd date you in a heartbeat if you were here" (lived here/we were closer)
"I want to go into it (the next visit we planned) with the idea that we're friends"
And there's more but I've disabled my facebook for a bit and I don't want to go back through any messages.
I visited her in May, lots of shit happened between then and now. We were supposed to see each other again around Halloween (was supposed to be summer but I got a 270 dollar ticket on the way home driving 22 over at 4 in the morning after being up for 24 hours, and I didn't have the money to visit before she went to school)
She pushed it forward again, and started dating a guy during halloween. Right when I was gonna visit. She said she "didnt' see it going too far, but she had to give it a try" and it kind of broke me. And then a few days later she said she wanted to "do the do, but just as friends" I liked this. we talked about it. And then I got antsy because she was with this guy. She dumped him literally 5 days later, but by then we were already "just friends, nothing else"
And she took the sex thing off of the table because it would "confuse" me.
I've thought about bringing it up again, because I felt the same way. But she was pretty straight forward that she didn't want a relationship at this point. I regret it, because I know it's possible that she was doing it to see. But I was worried I'd be doing it with her while she was with this guy, and I communicated this in a way that sounded more jealous than anything. And it killed it.
I'm honestly not even sure if she wants me to visit again.
This does mean a lot to me, it means the world to me. I've had feelings for her for YEARS. It would involve me moving, and I have had trouble with jobs. She has legitimate worries about it, and I don't know if just banging it out would solve this. And I don't know if it's even something she wants anymore.
She's said she feels safe and comfortable with me. She's said she thinks I'd beat someone up for her (I would, i never say this though. I don't fight and I'm not violent)
as far as I can tell, it's over already. Her dating the guy while considering me kind of made me feel like she was 0% interested. And i got very confused when she brought up us having sex while she was with him. I feel like I can either A) try to get over it, or B) hope it goes somewhere later, and just wait more. But I've been waiting forever. Years, then 6 months, and now more? the anxiety I was going through while she was seeing this guy and talking to me about being intimate was more than I've felt. I was legit shaking. I couldn't stop it. Like shivering but not cold. I don't want to go back to that. I'm very sad now but I don't know where to go from here, to be honest.
I've met other girls. I've been around. I've dated while I had feelings for her. It ended because I couldn't get past her. I couldn't commit to anyone else. She's the one I want, and has been. I haven't doubted it once. The only thing I doubt is that she wants me, or that we could get past what we need to get past in order to make it work. I know I'd try my absolute hardest, but I don't know. She hasn't said anything that makes me feel like I want to try it.
At some point I'm going to bring it up. Me still wanting to do it. I've been considering it for a while. There's like a 0.02% chance it negatively affects our friendship. We both value being straight up, I just think I know what I want more clearly than she does.
I really do feel like it's probably over, though.